Where's that ribcage now?

Heartfelt

I wear my heart inside my ribcage. Where it belongs.

Safe from everyone.

United Postal Service of Me

I sit down at my desk and write you a love letter.
Its a great love letter, full of you know, feelings.
I think you will like it.
I write to tell you about my days and nights and the things I do and the things I see.
I write and write and write and write. There's so much to say.

But then I realise, there's no point writing to you. You never reply. To me.

Muse

Bring out your knives, sharpened and gleaming
Your pillars of love, bright and beaming
Don't compare to the dusk, that descends on her brow
And all your words are dust, ink dry and cracking now.

A million candles that light up the sky,
Outdone by the dazzling dawn in her eye.
And all those melodies you laid at her feet,
Long since played out their last lonely beat.

And so your dreams all come to this,
Written caresses your hands didn't risk.
So I don't really care if its all been a lie
But O, how I wish your muse had been I

Waiting in line for a Geranium Kiss

I once wrote of faeries
who skimmed the dewdrops
of my morning window
But the Queen she's unfulfilled on her gilded throne now.

And you don't stop
for the pieces you once crushed underneath your feet
rearrange your life now, and walk straight ahead
leave the jesters to languish behind in your bed.

But its me that's still standing
in my fixed spot in the crowd
thinking about what my statue is doing
on that pedestal in your head.

And maybe, the Queen and I, we're just the same
two empty-headed figurines
in a mind that begs dreams of urchins.

Ode to an ink blot

When I get pushed into the past, old wounds open up too easily.

And as I walk ahead I wonder if the years that have gone by offer any salve. Its a bit like insult to injury.

But the worst part of it all is that I can't even have a cup of tea with you and feel better.

Oh to be with you, all tangled up in blue. :)

There must be someway out of here.

I've realised that I use rhyme to simplify my lifeand break up time.To parcel out my laughs and tears. It works a while and them seems empty. As if reducing everything to little pieces can somehow trivialise what I feel. So that I'm not so scared when I stop and think.


So when everything seems just right,

but still I lie awake at night.

Wondering if I'll let it go

when all the world is quiet and slow.

Outside the earth moves ever on,

night gives way to breaking dawn.

And I wonder will I ever be free

of these swaying thoughts of you and me?

So I guess this is my symphony

I'm still running apparent-ly.

So don't ever leave my darling sweet.

Without you life'd be incomplete.

Russian Roulette

A change in the weather, a cloudy day
Was all I ever gave away.
Anyway we only played for small change.

A killer smile, was all it took
Lord himself couldn't pass up that look.
Anyway you only smiled like that once.

Walk with me, was all you'd say
Like I could have turned away.
Anyway it was never about me.

So we're standing on the railway line
You'll go your way and I'll go mine.
Mostly, anyway.

And when this game is played right through
And there's nothing left for me and you
I'll look at you and then I'll say,
Should have saved your poker face for another day.

The Third Verse to a Better Song

The hills reflect a dappled moon, the band strikes up a forgetful tune.
And I blow a kiss from me to you, a deeper shade of another blue.
Melody to silence a scream, a song to quench an impossible dream.

So I sing myself a lullaby
I really have no tears to cry.

Heartbeats

Tonight I will paint my masterpiece
and rival the night's canvas.

Tonight I will feel the emptiness of ghosts
and find a forgetful redemption.

Tonight I will walk into forever
and play your symphony in my head.

Tonight I listen to heartbeats
and wish your face away.

A whine.

I can't. I can't do this anymore.
I won't.
This can't be only way to feel.
This can't. This can't be the only way.
Help me.
Someone.
You're out there, I know it.
Just show me the road.
And I will fucking walk it. I will fucking walk it the whole way.
I will never look back.
My head will look straight and my body will obey.
This will not happen to me again.

Simple Rules

I wish I could unscrew the top of my head and paint my thoughts across the wall.
And then maybe I could change the shape of things in my mind.
I wish I could drip a little blood out
And the maybe I could change the things my heart beats for.
It should be that easy.

Full Circle and Out of the Loop

For me, last night was surreal.
I found myself staring at the saddest face I had seen in a long time. I looked out the window of the car and saw a bride with her eyes downcast and sorrowful being driven to her wedding, there was a man on a white horse riding next to her, probably going to the same place.
We got to the park, and as I walked in, I could see the mist curling out in front of me, and the wisps of my breath mingling into it. I've never felt as disconnected from everything I knew as I did then. The thought of my life made me nauseous. But everything else around me was so perfect and irrevocably beautiful. It was like being stuck between the abyss and freedom, except that there's a big, cracked glass wall between you and every fucking thing that you want.
I walked and walked and walked, and with every step I took, I thought about everything that my life has been for the last three years, every lie I told the world but tortured myself with secretly, every time I cried and cried and cried and thought that I wouldn't stop, every time I felt like I had been hit in the stomach with a pole.
Why does life get so messy? Why do people willfully make themselves sad?
We stopped by the lake, and sat down on the edge of it, staring at the reflection of the trees, I wonder what it'd be like to fall into a lake and discover another world. Last night it really looked possible. I'm sure someone somewhere has written a book about it. I told my most convincing ghost stories, feeling pleased with myself, and pretending that my spine wasn't secretly tingling with nervousness.
Every time I think about what happened, I think that it was a form of punishment that I must have deserved for something horrible I did in a previous life. I think the higher powers looked down on me and said, So you think you're a good person now? Its not so easy. We're going to make you hurt and only then will you learn.
I feel like I've been chased by a tidal wave for the last 7 years of my life, just with different players. I feel like I ran until I had nothing left, like I was a sand person, and each time the water came close, it washed a little more of me away.
We rounded a corner, I saw a lamp that was dying out, and I was trying discreetly to pretend that I didn't notice couples kissing all around me. Stupid intruder, I was, I felt like I should go to all of them and say sorry. Heh heh. We stopped to inspect all the really old buildings, of course I was too chicken to go inside, what if something wicked was lurking quietly in the shadows. My life may seem like a train wreck, but I'd still like the chance to fix it. I don't want to be tomorrow's headline. We decided to ditch the roads and walk on the grass.
So what's happening with me now? Am I Ok? To be honest, its too late in the evening to know for sure. I wanted to scream and cry and run away from everything and start my life all over again. I felt real rage. I can't do this. There isn't going to be anything left of me in the end. Nothing can be worth that much. Except that one real shot at eternity. And that's what I have. So I am on a course that is going to head me straight into the heart of the sun, and potentially I will die before I get there.
I really don't know what else to do.
We walked out of the park, random snatches of conversation popped into my head, as we sat in the car, I looked out again, and saw the wedding party. The horse had discharged it's groom bearing duty, and was pacing nervously in the corner wondering when it'd have to make the no doubt terrifying journey back into rush hour traffic. The married couple were being surrounded by a crowd of adoring relatives, and even though I tried I couldn't catch a glimpse of the bride's face. Maybe she's feeling cheerful now, maybe her husband is outrageously good looking, and maybe they're going to be very happy, have two children, live in a nice house and worry vaguely about global warming.
Am I actually going to get rid of this feeling? Is it actually dissipating? Is this the final catharsis?It's a black nighttime world with lonely people living lonely lives, not realising that the people that are standing right next to them on the road are dealing with the exact same things that they are. Everyone is lonely together I guess. So, have I gotten it all out of my system? It feels so strange, I've grown with this feeling, it's coloured every aspect of who I am. After all these years of sordid friendship, it wouldn't leave me in the lurch now would it?
We got into the house. I smoked a cigar for the very first time in my life. A complete and total let down it was, totally not worth a second try. And I sat there with three of my favourite people, and suddenly it all got better. I laughed and ate and made small pointless conversation and felt quite pleased with myself, for the second time in the evening. I think I spend most of my time feeling either completely disgusted with myself or completely satisfied with my behaviour. There doesn't seem to be a middle path for me.
I am saying goodbye to an old friend, I am telling him to go away and not come back for a while. I am saying, I love you, but get lost, I am saying, you were great in every possible way, but fuck off.
I drove in a big circle today, I saw the beginning and end of a wedding, walked all the way around a park, started at the very first day of the most painful years of my life and walked through them all till the present, where I really feel that a circumference is closing in, and I'm stepping out of it. Into another one, no doubt, but lets see where this one goes.
Last night I saw the saddest face I had ever seen, I looked it in it's fungus eye and told it to take a deep breath and stop crying.

Street Rhyme

There is a sunset strip In the corner of my eye,
There is an infinite moment In You and I
The veils are doubled In black, I see
I want your cage, And I feel free

There is nothing turning in the sky, no wind on the road, no rain, not even a heartbeat to tell me which way to go.

-------------------------
A stupid little rhyme, but I felt like writing it. Anyway, what you gonna do about it?

Black Eyed Appeal

You are standing at the edge of my head,

A familiar breeze blows through the door, laced with your scent. I grow heady with the smell.
You are watching me with your coffee eyes glinting, stripping me down my most fundamental inadequacy. I turn to face you and see an empy doorway, the merest hint of your laugh lingers, the faintest jingle of beads and I watch in the sadness of comprehension. Just when I think you will not come back, I see you smiling at me, from the corner of my mind, daring me to will you away, erase the night of your hair. I can't.

I am nothing in front of you. Nothing. Worthless.

The Wave

There is a wave coming towards me
And I hear nothing except the beat of my own heart
And I watch
And I wait
There is a warrior marching in my path
And I do not even raise my sword
And I laugh at my own doom
And I curse the irony
There is a storm blowing my way
And I do not seek shelter
And I need its anger
And I want the hurt

Forget

My life is green behind that smile
My life is black beside those eyes

Lets take our dreams and make paper boats
We'll float them in the sink
Lets take dusty memories and shake them out
We'll tell our stories to the rain
Lets run down the beach
We'll chase sandy shadows on the shore
Lets follow the rabbit down the hole
We'll make music in the grass
Lets paint a picture of the world
We'll colour in the black parts
Lets run a thousand miles today
We'll tire the ones that seek to chase
Lets tell the truth and let it hurt
We'll learn to live with what we've done
Lets dig a hole deep in the ground
We'll find the hurt thats buried there
Lets find your tower on the cliff
I'll watch you from my garden of stone

My life is blue behind the door
I want exactly what I did before.

But I cant forget, I just cant forget.

No Release

There I sat
Alone at the tree.
I watched the walls creep up around me
Brick walls, they came thick and fast and red
Birds screech and monkeys bare their fangs
The sky radiates violet hues
The mad moon cackles down at me
I watched and laughed
For the first time I was happy
Free at last
A touch a grasp
Pick me up old friend
I was dragged away from danger
I could not see
I fall I fall
My face hits water
Time stops
Beating.
Time stops
Bleeding.
I am exploding.
I am free.
I am no one.
I am the only one.
I am the eye in the sky.
I am the only one.
I am receeding.
I am fading.
Grasping desperately to prolong the reprieve.
I'm out I'm down
I cry alone again.
Free me, I implore you.