What else could I be?
Heh heh..Never mind.
I've come to realise that I'm only prompted to put things up on this page when I'm upset. So its sort evolved into this wierd blackhole for all my bad moods.
But I'm not always in a bad mood. For example, right now, I'm in a great mood. I've discovered that the trick to being happy is not to worry that life is going to suck perenially.
It doesnt, and sometimes, nice things actually do happen. Sure it isn't perfect, and there's always something that could make it just a little better.
But right now for example, I'm at work , I'm the last one in the office, I'm listening to Lauryn Hill, and I'm heading out in about ten minutes, to get a cup of coffee and then go back home, where I will eat good food, watch a nice movie and then sleep. The weather outside is also lovely and cloudy, and no one has bugged me, nagged me, yelled at me or been mean to me, all day..
Oh boy I'm just setting myself up for fate to wallop me one good. I'd better stop tempting fate..
Actually it looks like rain, and I'm hungry, and there's no real food here.
Bugger it.
Wednesday, November 09, 2005
Sunday, November 06, 2005
Blackbird Singing
When faced with the crushing emptiness of everything, what do rational human beings do?
..They mope...
Apparently, someone once said that even the white in the painting has meaning..Really?Well then what is it?
Is it there to antagonize the colour? Is it there to enhance the poignancy of the brush strokes? Why?..And what if the whole paper is white and empty?What then?...
Oh no, I'm carrying a metaphor too far..I hate it when that happens...There's nothing more annoying or more preachy than a metaphor thats been carried too far...Yuck...I shall try and approach this mental dilemma from a new angle.
Actually, its not a dilemma, its more that I've been wondering, if there is nothing more to life than the selfish and single pointed pursuit of happiness...If thats all there is, then its got to be pretty boring eh?
How do people live for 70 years without wanting to kill themselves atleast twenty times?..I'm thinking that the only way this happens, is that people keep thinking that if they just put off suicide for a little longer, then life will suddenly miraculously become meaningful and exciting..And then they wait, and they wait, and then suddenly they're so wrapped up in worldly entanglements that they can no longer afford to get out, and then even more hastily,they're old, and then they die..
Wow.
What the hell am i writing? I dont even think its making sense...I have to stop writing this stuff so late at night, because invariably I'm too sleepy to make sense.
Tonight as I was driving home, I swear there was this really spooky air about everything..The moon was a ghostly galleon tossed upon stormy seas, and all that..
Everything was suffused in this atmosphere of mystery and nostalgia..Its kind of hard to explain..The roads were darker than normal, and the few houses that were lit, seemed to exist on the edge of a memory...Everything, reminded me of something I had seen before, or somewhere that I'd been before, and in a wierd way, reminded me also of some place that I'm going to be soon...
I'm very scared of always being alone..Not that I'm alone now.Yet, there is this constant fear of going through life with only myself, and never being able to verify that everything that I think and feel is true, or is real..The night in its own haunting way seemed to fortell many years of driving down dark streets, wondering what the world is, and where I fit into it all.
I can't explain the nostalgia though, I'm too young to feel this nostalgic about anything, and yet, the feeling of something that I had left behind somewhere ran crazy circles around my head. And it wouldn't let me go, like an old friend who persistently demands an explanation for my lack of correspondence over the years...And somewhere, I felt guilty for leaving and not keeping in touch, for being so uncaring and so arrogant and thinking that I could manage everything on my own anyway.
Epiphany.
I'm only alone because I shrug off every commitment, and its only my pride that makes me think that no one would ever understand who I am, and what I'm saying, so I dont even give people chances, and maybe I just don't believe that anyone would bother themselves so much trying to cope with me...And maybe I like it this way...
This is the only way that I know to be free, because God forbid that I should be tied to anything or anyone...It would never do for me, eh? Thats how I've lived my life this far, and I havent even bothered to try anything else..Why?..Because I think I'm happy this way, or atleast I'm at peace this way.
In the dead of night,
Take these broken wings and learn to fly.
The Beatles definitely knew what they were talking about when they wrote this one.
..They mope...
Apparently, someone once said that even the white in the painting has meaning..Really?Well then what is it?
Is it there to antagonize the colour? Is it there to enhance the poignancy of the brush strokes? Why?..And what if the whole paper is white and empty?What then?...
Oh no, I'm carrying a metaphor too far..I hate it when that happens...There's nothing more annoying or more preachy than a metaphor thats been carried too far...Yuck...I shall try and approach this mental dilemma from a new angle.
Actually, its not a dilemma, its more that I've been wondering, if there is nothing more to life than the selfish and single pointed pursuit of happiness...If thats all there is, then its got to be pretty boring eh?
How do people live for 70 years without wanting to kill themselves atleast twenty times?..I'm thinking that the only way this happens, is that people keep thinking that if they just put off suicide for a little longer, then life will suddenly miraculously become meaningful and exciting..And then they wait, and they wait, and then suddenly they're so wrapped up in worldly entanglements that they can no longer afford to get out, and then even more hastily,they're old, and then they die..
Wow.
What the hell am i writing? I dont even think its making sense...I have to stop writing this stuff so late at night, because invariably I'm too sleepy to make sense.
Tonight as I was driving home, I swear there was this really spooky air about everything..The moon was a ghostly galleon tossed upon stormy seas, and all that..
Everything was suffused in this atmosphere of mystery and nostalgia..Its kind of hard to explain..The roads were darker than normal, and the few houses that were lit, seemed to exist on the edge of a memory...Everything, reminded me of something I had seen before, or somewhere that I'd been before, and in a wierd way, reminded me also of some place that I'm going to be soon...
I'm very scared of always being alone..Not that I'm alone now.Yet, there is this constant fear of going through life with only myself, and never being able to verify that everything that I think and feel is true, or is real..The night in its own haunting way seemed to fortell many years of driving down dark streets, wondering what the world is, and where I fit into it all.
I can't explain the nostalgia though, I'm too young to feel this nostalgic about anything, and yet, the feeling of something that I had left behind somewhere ran crazy circles around my head. And it wouldn't let me go, like an old friend who persistently demands an explanation for my lack of correspondence over the years...And somewhere, I felt guilty for leaving and not keeping in touch, for being so uncaring and so arrogant and thinking that I could manage everything on my own anyway.
Epiphany.
I'm only alone because I shrug off every commitment, and its only my pride that makes me think that no one would ever understand who I am, and what I'm saying, so I dont even give people chances, and maybe I just don't believe that anyone would bother themselves so much trying to cope with me...And maybe I like it this way...
This is the only way that I know to be free, because God forbid that I should be tied to anything or anyone...It would never do for me, eh? Thats how I've lived my life this far, and I havent even bothered to try anything else..Why?..Because I think I'm happy this way, or atleast I'm at peace this way.
In the dead of night,
Take these broken wings and learn to fly.
The Beatles definitely knew what they were talking about when they wrote this one.
Saturday, September 24, 2005
ROVING RANDOM
I read a Tolkien book today, anybody who knows about Tolkien will know which book I'm talking about from the title of this post...It was a short book, just about 90 pages, and took me the length of the bus ride back home followed immediately by a two hour stint at the neighbouring tea shop outside to finish it.
I havent read something as nice in ages..It made me think a lot about perception and how great minds like Tolkien, The Beatles, Van Gogh, must have looked at the world..They really saw it differently, they saw something that I cannot see except through their eyes, their words and their hands. Every perception I have about the world, and everything in it, comes from a song or a picture or a book, or even a movie..And it makes me feel so good to know, that world can be as random as something out of somebody else's mind, as long as i choose to see it that way.
The world is only as you see it, nothing more, and nothing less.
Anyone can make the world anything they want it to be..Call it young idealism if you will, maybe I'll laugh at this stuff a few years from now, when 'real life' as they call it hits me in the face, but for now, i lie content in the belief that I have the infinite power to see the world as I choose to.
The idea of infinite freedom of choice and thought is really very very seductive if you think about it, because it just might be a way to keep yourself happy..If only temporarily.
Everything that is sad in my life has something to do with some other person or persons. The moment you remove what they think or say or do, your life becomes much simpler...Its just you and your mind...
I suppose it could get quite lonely...No person is an island, and all that...Maybe like the little wandering dog, you could play with MoonBeams, or Giant Whales, and see things that don't exist anywhere but in dreams, and be happy with yourself and your great adventures...But maybe you, just like the dog, being to dream only of the long and winding road home...There in lies the problem...The only company that Freedom keeps is Loneliness.
And the price of one, is unfortunately the other.
Sighs..oh welll..enough of my rambling for one dark night..I'll just stop here.
I havent read something as nice in ages..It made me think a lot about perception and how great minds like Tolkien, The Beatles, Van Gogh, must have looked at the world..They really saw it differently, they saw something that I cannot see except through their eyes, their words and their hands. Every perception I have about the world, and everything in it, comes from a song or a picture or a book, or even a movie..And it makes me feel so good to know, that world can be as random as something out of somebody else's mind, as long as i choose to see it that way.
The world is only as you see it, nothing more, and nothing less.
Anyone can make the world anything they want it to be..Call it young idealism if you will, maybe I'll laugh at this stuff a few years from now, when 'real life' as they call it hits me in the face, but for now, i lie content in the belief that I have the infinite power to see the world as I choose to.
The idea of infinite freedom of choice and thought is really very very seductive if you think about it, because it just might be a way to keep yourself happy..If only temporarily.
Everything that is sad in my life has something to do with some other person or persons. The moment you remove what they think or say or do, your life becomes much simpler...Its just you and your mind...
I suppose it could get quite lonely...No person is an island, and all that...Maybe like the little wandering dog, you could play with MoonBeams, or Giant Whales, and see things that don't exist anywhere but in dreams, and be happy with yourself and your great adventures...But maybe you, just like the dog, being to dream only of the long and winding road home...There in lies the problem...The only company that Freedom keeps is Loneliness.
And the price of one, is unfortunately the other.
Sighs..oh welll..enough of my rambling for one dark night..I'll just stop here.
Friday, June 10, 2005
THE RAIN CALLS MY NAME
I woke up to the most beautiful morning today.Its not Sunday, but if that song were written about a particular Sunday, then that Sunday would look a hell of a lot like today does. Something about rainy weather just makes me feel so blissfully happy...I've said this before..Its the feeling that the world has suddenly dropped its expectations of you..Atleast for a day.There's a peace, and a feeling of I can do what I want and it may not be perfect but thats ok, in the air.
I always want to write in this weather, even if I never have anything particularly different to say.I have to be back to class on Monday, which in the tiny scheme of things, kind of sucks..But the broader picture is much nicer..I get to see a lot of people whom I love, some people that I dont particularly like, and more than anything, I get to move on with my life I guess.. Thats what really matters..I am going somewhere when I'm in college, even if it doesnt seem that way, time is moving me forward to the next big thing, and i guess its a nice feeling.
So much of what I do is done with an eye on the future, where will I be four years from now I ask myself, what will I do then, who will I know,who will I leave behind, will it be the way I want it to be?
These are pretty scary things to think about, which is why for the most part I shove them out of my head, and go on the assumption that whatever happens, I'll be fine...I hope..heh heh.
Ah this weather, its happy and sad all at once, and sometimes its too much effort to do anything but sit around and think, as the grey clouds swirl around outside my window..I'm not going to be here forever.The wind cries Mary, and the rain calls my name.
I always want to write in this weather, even if I never have anything particularly different to say.I have to be back to class on Monday, which in the tiny scheme of things, kind of sucks..But the broader picture is much nicer..I get to see a lot of people whom I love, some people that I dont particularly like, and more than anything, I get to move on with my life I guess.. Thats what really matters..I am going somewhere when I'm in college, even if it doesnt seem that way, time is moving me forward to the next big thing, and i guess its a nice feeling.
So much of what I do is done with an eye on the future, where will I be four years from now I ask myself, what will I do then, who will I know,who will I leave behind, will it be the way I want it to be?
These are pretty scary things to think about, which is why for the most part I shove them out of my head, and go on the assumption that whatever happens, I'll be fine...I hope..heh heh.
Ah this weather, its happy and sad all at once, and sometimes its too much effort to do anything but sit around and think, as the grey clouds swirl around outside my window..I'm not going to be here forever.The wind cries Mary, and the rain calls my name.
Sunday, April 10, 2005
King Of The Road
It all calms down after a while.Your life settles into a nice little routine and all the bumps and vagaries become an expected part of the journey. Its just that once in a while you hit a really rough patch and you feel like lurching to a stop....Ok I'll stop with all the metaphors...Pah..these metaphors you can just ge so carried away with them.
Its a good way to annoy people around you, so I've found. Heh heh.
This whole life is so strange man.What is it? Why am I here? Where am I going? Is there any real point do what I'm doing?And do the people I meet along the way matter at all in the big scheme of things?At any given point in your life you have these important people around you, and they're the ones that make you who you are, make your life meaningful and make you get up each day..But the thing is, the people around you keep changing, so then what makes them special? People move in and out of your life, and friendships out of neccessity become friendships out of desire, and I think the people who end up mattering are the ones who you never needed, or who you'll always need.
Its a little complicated...Thats your road, there are hitchhikers and there are fellow travellers( heh heh the annoying metaphor strikes again)
But ulitmately when it all settles into a little routine nothing seems too hard to deal with, because you know that you're just sort of heading towards some place, and no matter what you do time will take you there so , everything that happens along the way cant really alter your course. So i guess there's a sort of comfort that you can derive from that fact...And for all the rest that happens, you just learn to deal with it.
Its almost been a year, I cant quite believe how fast time has gone..Life is too short sometimes...It drags in all the wrong places.Stupid life.Oh well what the hell, I'm King of the road now, so who cares..Or maybe Queen...Some royalty.
Its a good way to annoy people around you, so I've found. Heh heh.
This whole life is so strange man.What is it? Why am I here? Where am I going? Is there any real point do what I'm doing?And do the people I meet along the way matter at all in the big scheme of things?At any given point in your life you have these important people around you, and they're the ones that make you who you are, make your life meaningful and make you get up each day..But the thing is, the people around you keep changing, so then what makes them special? People move in and out of your life, and friendships out of neccessity become friendships out of desire, and I think the people who end up mattering are the ones who you never needed, or who you'll always need.
Its a little complicated...Thats your road, there are hitchhikers and there are fellow travellers( heh heh the annoying metaphor strikes again)
But ulitmately when it all settles into a little routine nothing seems too hard to deal with, because you know that you're just sort of heading towards some place, and no matter what you do time will take you there so , everything that happens along the way cant really alter your course. So i guess there's a sort of comfort that you can derive from that fact...And for all the rest that happens, you just learn to deal with it.
Its almost been a year, I cant quite believe how fast time has gone..Life is too short sometimes...It drags in all the wrong places.Stupid life.Oh well what the hell, I'm King of the road now, so who cares..Or maybe Queen...Some royalty.
Monday, April 04, 2005
Life, The Universe and Everything
The world enters you, it overwhelms you, it beats you down and it enters you...But it never quite manages to fill you up.
Everything you imagine, everything you lust after, everything you touch or see...remains hopelessly out of your grasp...You can be lying on your back on a steaming hot basketball court, thats baked in the summer sun all day, and you'll smell the concrete and look up the most fantastic night sky, that expands before your very eyes...and still be aware of that emptiness...I never feel filled up by the world, I feel filled up in the company of the people I love.
I get full on the feeling that I love them and they love me, and the world is how its meant to be...(Hey that rhymes) and its scary because on some level it means that I'll never be happy just on my own...or atleast i dont think I'm capable of it...however much I might desire it...Wow...An epiphany.
I guess its one of the great irony's of my life( the other being that I love sports but can't run to save my life...or maybe ONLY to save my life) that people are the only ones that have any bearing on how I'm feeling...and how they make me feel so good about myself and my life...and how they become the reason I want to pick up my stuff and leave...and how its usually the same set of people thats involved in both cases.
The people that mean something to me I guess...
They're all thats ever mattered to me...To the point where I actively avoid the company of other people...for no fault of their own other than the fact that they arent my closest friends...How anti social of me...Its quite sick really...heh heh.
I just find that as I get older, I can only stand to be constantly around so many people, and I just cant invest in other relationships with new people..Just because it becomes too much of a strain trying to incorprorate everybody's needs into my life...So I limit the number of people who's needs I have to incorporate and just smile and make cheerful meaningless conversation with the rest of the world.
Its hard to acknowledge the fact that you'll always need people because that means that you constantly have to be careful because you just migt hurt someone you really care about..sigh
Very interesting...I should think about this some more.
In the meantime...I had a highly exhausting day, I had six classes today as opposed to four and it was two Contracts and THREE Family laws and one Sociology ( during which time I was reading ofcourse)...and its generally been very hot, and sweaty and I have exams at the end of the month..and bleagh....in general...
and right then..I get a message from someone who's in New York right now, tell me how they're just waking up to a fabulous view of the Chrysler building in the rain from their window on the 38th floor..and how it so beautiful etc etc...and I just felt like climbing to the top of the library and throwing myself off it...Argh argh argh...Kill kill kill....I cannot WAIT for vacation time...Sigh...Oh well at the very least I have a couple of nice books to read and only 33 days counting today (which is almost over) till I'm done...So...thank god for small favours.....
Life, the universe and everything....Sometimes its more than I can handle.
Everything you imagine, everything you lust after, everything you touch or see...remains hopelessly out of your grasp...You can be lying on your back on a steaming hot basketball court, thats baked in the summer sun all day, and you'll smell the concrete and look up the most fantastic night sky, that expands before your very eyes...and still be aware of that emptiness...I never feel filled up by the world, I feel filled up in the company of the people I love.
I get full on the feeling that I love them and they love me, and the world is how its meant to be...(Hey that rhymes) and its scary because on some level it means that I'll never be happy just on my own...or atleast i dont think I'm capable of it...however much I might desire it...Wow...An epiphany.
I guess its one of the great irony's of my life( the other being that I love sports but can't run to save my life...or maybe ONLY to save my life) that people are the only ones that have any bearing on how I'm feeling...and how they make me feel so good about myself and my life...and how they become the reason I want to pick up my stuff and leave...and how its usually the same set of people thats involved in both cases.
The people that mean something to me I guess...
They're all thats ever mattered to me...To the point where I actively avoid the company of other people...for no fault of their own other than the fact that they arent my closest friends...How anti social of me...Its quite sick really...heh heh.
I just find that as I get older, I can only stand to be constantly around so many people, and I just cant invest in other relationships with new people..Just because it becomes too much of a strain trying to incorprorate everybody's needs into my life...So I limit the number of people who's needs I have to incorporate and just smile and make cheerful meaningless conversation with the rest of the world.
Its hard to acknowledge the fact that you'll always need people because that means that you constantly have to be careful because you just migt hurt someone you really care about..sigh
Very interesting...I should think about this some more.
In the meantime...I had a highly exhausting day, I had six classes today as opposed to four and it was two Contracts and THREE Family laws and one Sociology ( during which time I was reading ofcourse)...and its generally been very hot, and sweaty and I have exams at the end of the month..and bleagh....in general...
and right then..I get a message from someone who's in New York right now, tell me how they're just waking up to a fabulous view of the Chrysler building in the rain from their window on the 38th floor..and how it so beautiful etc etc...and I just felt like climbing to the top of the library and throwing myself off it...Argh argh argh...Kill kill kill....I cannot WAIT for vacation time...Sigh...Oh well at the very least I have a couple of nice books to read and only 33 days counting today (which is almost over) till I'm done...So...thank god for small favours.....
Life, the universe and everything....Sometimes its more than I can handle.
Sunday, March 27, 2005
How Does It Feel?
To be on your own? Direction unknown?Like a Rollin Stone.
Thats what I feel like.
Except for the fact that I know which direction I WANT to be rolling in. Dangnabbit mounds of grass! Billions of Blue Blistering Barnacles!Oh well...I'll get there...I know I will...Its one of those things that you just know will happen, or that I want to happen so badly that somehow it just WILL happen.
Like getting into Law school...I knew I would, I just didnt see any other alternative to the life I'd planned out in my head...Sometimes life doesnt take you where you're supposed to go, and the plan DOESNt go according to plan, but sometimes..i just HAS to, so it does.
Or atleast thats the reassurance I give myself.
Thats what I feel like.
Except for the fact that I know which direction I WANT to be rolling in. Dangnabbit mounds of grass! Billions of Blue Blistering Barnacles!Oh well...I'll get there...I know I will...Its one of those things that you just know will happen, or that I want to happen so badly that somehow it just WILL happen.
Like getting into Law school...I knew I would, I just didnt see any other alternative to the life I'd planned out in my head...Sometimes life doesnt take you where you're supposed to go, and the plan DOESNt go according to plan, but sometimes..i just HAS to, so it does.
Or atleast thats the reassurance I give myself.
Thursday, March 24, 2005
Complicated
Wow....its been a phenomenally long time since I last felt the need to post something here....Can be attributed to sheer laziness, I think.Actually, I did write something in the middle and then I never put it up...or something like that...anyway, never mind, who cares...Now that I'm here, I shall write for a a while...
One thing I've come to understand about myself, is that I HATE complications...life should just be plain and simple, words should just be easy to understand, speech shouldnt sound like a thesaurus and for god's sake idea's shouldnt be over complicated.
I know that I'm a big hypocrite in this respect because when I right, it usually ends up sounding much more complicated than I ever intended..but then again, its my blog, I'll do what I want....Heh heh...I love this thing.
I wonder why I stopped writing in it.
Another thing I've realised about myself is that essentially, I'm a doormat...Its a very starnge reality to face, and not very easy to deal with...I let people just walk all over me, wipe their muddy ideas on my face, and rub their bad moods on my body....I dont know WHY I let it happen, but I just do.And then when I suddenly realuse what I'm doing, I've kept so much of it bottled up, that some not so big thing someone does will cause me to just blow up and yell at them for no reason....and then ofcourse I feel terrible about it, and about myself.....sigh....life is so muddled.
I wonder why contentment is so hard to get.Why is it that people spend so much of their time desiring one thing, and then when they get it, it no longer pleases them, or if it does, then something else starts to bug them?Why?Why does it have to be like that?Why can't everyone just be happy all the time?
Why cant people just get whatever they ask for, and why do we have to constantly depend on other people to make us feel good?What is that man?
I never used to be like that...I used to get along just fine, but these days I find myself just clinging to people around me for reassurance, for comfort, for company...and its not really a good thing.
I hate it, and I hate who I've become...and thats a sad reality to face....Oh well, things could be a lot worse I guess.I shall stop complaining now.
One thing I've come to understand about myself, is that I HATE complications...life should just be plain and simple, words should just be easy to understand, speech shouldnt sound like a thesaurus and for god's sake idea's shouldnt be over complicated.
I know that I'm a big hypocrite in this respect because when I right, it usually ends up sounding much more complicated than I ever intended..but then again, its my blog, I'll do what I want....Heh heh...I love this thing.
I wonder why I stopped writing in it.
Another thing I've realised about myself is that essentially, I'm a doormat...Its a very starnge reality to face, and not very easy to deal with...I let people just walk all over me, wipe their muddy ideas on my face, and rub their bad moods on my body....I dont know WHY I let it happen, but I just do.And then when I suddenly realuse what I'm doing, I've kept so much of it bottled up, that some not so big thing someone does will cause me to just blow up and yell at them for no reason....and then ofcourse I feel terrible about it, and about myself.....sigh....life is so muddled.
I wonder why contentment is so hard to get.Why is it that people spend so much of their time desiring one thing, and then when they get it, it no longer pleases them, or if it does, then something else starts to bug them?Why?Why does it have to be like that?Why can't everyone just be happy all the time?
Why cant people just get whatever they ask for, and why do we have to constantly depend on other people to make us feel good?What is that man?
I never used to be like that...I used to get along just fine, but these days I find myself just clinging to people around me for reassurance, for comfort, for company...and its not really a good thing.
I hate it, and I hate who I've become...and thats a sad reality to face....Oh well, things could be a lot worse I guess.I shall stop complaining now.
Sunday, November 28, 2004
Back To The Black
Well its been a while....Sometimes who you are changes, as circumstances and situations around you change.The person you were in city X, with X friends disappears in city Y, and the things you used to say and do just go away..Or so you think.When the world around you suddenly becomes different and you meet new people and you start thinking a different way, it feels like you've changed and it feels like people you knew before have changed too, but thats not really the way it is.
Because when all is said and done and you're left alone with your thoughts, you realise that nothing has really changed all that much; you're still the same person you were before, still scared of the same things, still wanting the same things, and no matter how hard you try to convince yourself that its all different, underneath it all you're still looking for something and you're still running as fast as you can from the desperate fear inside that tells you that no matter where you go or who you know or what you are in life, you can never escape from yourself.Its strange that no matter how many friends you have and how many people you have that care about you, you'll always truthfully be alone, and all you have is yourself and your mind.
Its the scariest thing in the world to face ( apart from say a gigantically enormous tidal wave-tsunami thing, hurling itself towards you and breathtakingly inevitable speed) I think, the realisation that you're all you've got.
Sometimes I feel so tired,I think that I have everything I could possibly want, and nothing could be better, but I know that there's this nagging little voice that tells me that I still havent found what I'm looking for..Infact, come to think of it, I dont even know what it is that I'm looking for , I dont even know if what I'm looking for is even out there.Hell.I think I need to be super rich or something so that when feel like it,I can just up and go to some other country to sit and think things out.I actually think I need to move out of this country fast,this city, this country everything is just getting too small for me, I just don't want to live here anymore, and I don't care if that means that I have to leave some things behind and start all over, all I know is that it doesnt feel like there's anything for me here, nothing I want will I find if I continue to live this life.
The more I think about it, the more I realise that I'm right...Here I am , at a point in my life where I have everything I could have ever hoped for , say a year ago.This time last year, the life I now lead and the things I have would have seemed like this inconceivable utopia...And here I go again, still wanting to move on and still wishing to be somewhere else.Thats life eh?
New York is my only hope..I need my Sunday Morning life, even then I doubt I'd be entirely satisfied, but I think that I might just have a shot at something close to happiness then..Or not, whatever, fuck it, it'd still be different, and it'd still be like the realisation of a dream, and the plan going according to plan. :-) I don't know though..Its all very confusing and black at the moment...I'm not quite sure what exactly it is that I want, and who exactly I am...This city's going crazy and I must get out.
Because when all is said and done and you're left alone with your thoughts, you realise that nothing has really changed all that much; you're still the same person you were before, still scared of the same things, still wanting the same things, and no matter how hard you try to convince yourself that its all different, underneath it all you're still looking for something and you're still running as fast as you can from the desperate fear inside that tells you that no matter where you go or who you know or what you are in life, you can never escape from yourself.Its strange that no matter how many friends you have and how many people you have that care about you, you'll always truthfully be alone, and all you have is yourself and your mind.
Its the scariest thing in the world to face ( apart from say a gigantically enormous tidal wave-tsunami thing, hurling itself towards you and breathtakingly inevitable speed) I think, the realisation that you're all you've got.
Sometimes I feel so tired,I think that I have everything I could possibly want, and nothing could be better, but I know that there's this nagging little voice that tells me that I still havent found what I'm looking for..Infact, come to think of it, I dont even know what it is that I'm looking for , I dont even know if what I'm looking for is even out there.Hell.I think I need to be super rich or something so that when feel like it,I can just up and go to some other country to sit and think things out.I actually think I need to move out of this country fast,this city, this country everything is just getting too small for me, I just don't want to live here anymore, and I don't care if that means that I have to leave some things behind and start all over, all I know is that it doesnt feel like there's anything for me here, nothing I want will I find if I continue to live this life.
The more I think about it, the more I realise that I'm right...Here I am , at a point in my life where I have everything I could have ever hoped for , say a year ago.This time last year, the life I now lead and the things I have would have seemed like this inconceivable utopia...And here I go again, still wanting to move on and still wishing to be somewhere else.Thats life eh?
New York is my only hope..I need my Sunday Morning life, even then I doubt I'd be entirely satisfied, but I think that I might just have a shot at something close to happiness then..Or not, whatever, fuck it, it'd still be different, and it'd still be like the realisation of a dream, and the plan going according to plan. :-) I don't know though..Its all very confusing and black at the moment...I'm not quite sure what exactly it is that I want, and who exactly I am...This city's going crazy and I must get out.
Tuesday, August 31, 2004
BLURRY
Reaching milestones in your life, really makes you think about where you are, what you're doing, how you got there, and stuff. It's a nice, pleasant feeling when you can look at it all go, 'Hey I turned out OK'.
It also makes you realise HOW MUCH time has actually gone by. I mean when you're young, life just sort of stretches before you like one big, unending expanse, thats never supposed to end. You feel like you'll be young forever, and that time will just pass you by.
When I was in junior school, it felt like school life would just stretch on endlessly, and that I would NEVER grow up.Then when I got to high school, it began to occur to me, that maybe just maybe, I'd be done with it all, and actually move on to college. High school was a time of constant change for me, each of those four years taught me something else, and I seriously truly began to become me. By 12th grade, I was all set to move on, I mean I could almost taste the freedom and the happiness( yes I hated my school, not my friends, just my school), but even then I just assumed that the school part of my life would go fast,a nd then once I got into college , things would just sssssllllloooooowwwww down, and I'd be in college for ages. I'd never actually move past it, I'd never actually get a job. Still seems ridiculous to me.
But now I'm in, and I know it hasnt been long, but it feels like its going super fast.I can already see the end of the semester.God. Its scary.
To think that your whole life is just gonna move by this fast. I feel like before I know it, I'll be getting old and looking back instead of looking forward, and then I'll see all the time I had, and how I let it just slip through my fingers without doing half the things I wanted to do, or seeing half the things I was supposed to see. AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!
Ok, breathe, breathe, exhale.
Heh heh.
I'm calm now. But seriously, it really really makes you think.
I hope I know what I'm doing, and I hope that I'm making the best out of my circumstances.
Suddenly I'm filled withy the urge to go to the library and read twenty pages of Jurisprudence. How long will the feeling last, I wonder........
It also makes you realise HOW MUCH time has actually gone by. I mean when you're young, life just sort of stretches before you like one big, unending expanse, thats never supposed to end. You feel like you'll be young forever, and that time will just pass you by.
When I was in junior school, it felt like school life would just stretch on endlessly, and that I would NEVER grow up.Then when I got to high school, it began to occur to me, that maybe just maybe, I'd be done with it all, and actually move on to college. High school was a time of constant change for me, each of those four years taught me something else, and I seriously truly began to become me. By 12th grade, I was all set to move on, I mean I could almost taste the freedom and the happiness( yes I hated my school, not my friends, just my school), but even then I just assumed that the school part of my life would go fast,a nd then once I got into college , things would just sssssllllloooooowwwww down, and I'd be in college for ages. I'd never actually move past it, I'd never actually get a job. Still seems ridiculous to me.
But now I'm in, and I know it hasnt been long, but it feels like its going super fast.I can already see the end of the semester.God. Its scary.
To think that your whole life is just gonna move by this fast. I feel like before I know it, I'll be getting old and looking back instead of looking forward, and then I'll see all the time I had, and how I let it just slip through my fingers without doing half the things I wanted to do, or seeing half the things I was supposed to see. AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!
Ok, breathe, breathe, exhale.
Heh heh.
I'm calm now. But seriously, it really really makes you think.
I hope I know what I'm doing, and I hope that I'm making the best out of my circumstances.
Suddenly I'm filled withy the urge to go to the library and read twenty pages of Jurisprudence. How long will the feeling last, I wonder........
Friday, August 13, 2004
EVEN THE AIR ITCHES
Man, there are just those times when you get sick to death of where you're at, when everything about a place can just get to you and suffocate you and make you want to just scream and run like hell to the airport , and heave butt to New York, sigh then just live it up, enjoy the weather, go to the Met, go shopping, go to Barnes & Noble and just browse the day away. Ah.....what I wouldn't give.
I need to have my ideal day.So what is my ideal day? Rainy , stormy morning, waking up in one of those funky beds from iKea, in nice, clean, pure white sheets, looking out of the window, watching the rain streaming down the window pane, my apartment kinda messy, with papers and books lying around, lots of those vases with those HUGE white flowers ( like they have in Will & Grace), the smell of bacon, and waffles and maple syrup and coffee wafting in from the kitchen, all in my little apartment in New York City. Oh and with Sunday Morning by Maroon 5 playing softly somewhere in the background.
Just thinking about it makes me feel better already. Then I'd probably get up, shower and take a walk around , go buy a skirt, a CD or two, park my ass in the bookstore for a couple of hours then read in the park for a while or if its raining, a coffee house overlooking the park somewhere, then hunt down a couple of my friends , make myself pretty and go out to some nice little restauruant that plays Jazz and serves Italian food.We'd talk about the latest movies , celebrities, clothes music, about college, about our work, we'd laugh at everything, and I wouldn't even be able to believe how happy I felt, and for once, I wouldn't look over my shoulder, I wouldn't wonder what anyone one was thinking anymore, and I wouldn't have to care, and I'd be happy.
I swear to God, I'll never stop thanking my lucky stars that I got into law school, it's possibly one of the best things thats ever happened to me, but in some ways its also been one of the hardest adjustments I've had to make, and I LOVE this place, I love practically everything about it, but sometimes its just too small a world for me, and there's just too much pressure and too little anonymity, and I'm tired, and fed up, so fed up that even the air itches me .
It feels like I've forgotten who I am sometimes, like I came as someone, and now I don't know where she went. Lots more to say but this place is crowding up too fast. Will be back later.
I need to have my ideal day.So what is my ideal day? Rainy , stormy morning, waking up in one of those funky beds from iKea, in nice, clean, pure white sheets, looking out of the window, watching the rain streaming down the window pane, my apartment kinda messy, with papers and books lying around, lots of those vases with those HUGE white flowers ( like they have in Will & Grace), the smell of bacon, and waffles and maple syrup and coffee wafting in from the kitchen, all in my little apartment in New York City. Oh and with Sunday Morning by Maroon 5 playing softly somewhere in the background.
Just thinking about it makes me feel better already. Then I'd probably get up, shower and take a walk around , go buy a skirt, a CD or two, park my ass in the bookstore for a couple of hours then read in the park for a while or if its raining, a coffee house overlooking the park somewhere, then hunt down a couple of my friends , make myself pretty and go out to some nice little restauruant that plays Jazz and serves Italian food.We'd talk about the latest movies , celebrities, clothes music, about college, about our work, we'd laugh at everything, and I wouldn't even be able to believe how happy I felt, and for once, I wouldn't look over my shoulder, I wouldn't wonder what anyone one was thinking anymore, and I wouldn't have to care, and I'd be happy.
I swear to God, I'll never stop thanking my lucky stars that I got into law school, it's possibly one of the best things thats ever happened to me, but in some ways its also been one of the hardest adjustments I've had to make, and I LOVE this place, I love practically everything about it, but sometimes its just too small a world for me, and there's just too much pressure and too little anonymity, and I'm tired, and fed up, so fed up that even the air itches me .
It feels like I've forgotten who I am sometimes, like I came as someone, and now I don't know where she went. Lots more to say but this place is crowding up too fast. Will be back later.
Monday, July 12, 2004
OBLADI-OBLADA-LALALA-LIFE GOES ON
And so it does. Thats the thing about life, whatever happens , no matter how shitty/great it gets, it never stops. Right now, in the past few months life has been very very turbulent for me, just general upheavals of all sorts. Things moving around, new people,new places, its all so exciting and all so tiring at the same time. There comes a point when you just want to scream "STOP!!!!", and then everything around you just freezes, like in the movies, then you want to fast forward till you get to a nice part where you find yourself in your second year of law school, on vacation, sitting on a hammock in Fiji drinking beer...erm ..... lemonade, and reading a book, whilst the tropical breeze rustles the coconut palms, and cute australian tourists run around in their board shorts and flip flops.
Ah......sigh,to die,nay to sleep, for in that sleep what dreams may come..something, something.God I'm paraphrasing Shakespeare.
But basically so far, law school = good, life = looking up, me= a little tired, a little wary. I miss my friends a lot, don't really miss home, nothing to miss I guess. It's a wierd feeling, I'm like a drifter, no where really to go back too, only looking forward.
Man I'm just going nowhere with this post, random ramblings. Shooby,dooby,dooby, dooop.I feel old all of a sudden, like I've been trying to live for way too long, and the struggle is all but squishing me into a lump of Bimla's Chutney.( Good for health yah!). I got a package today, from home a book and a CD that I'd conveniently left behind, and my name was printed on it, and below the law school, and I was just like Wow...Thats my address, this means I actually went somewhere,I actually did something with my life( alert: premature elation. wouldnt put it past myself to screw things up)Heh heh, who woulda thunk it?
This morning was so bloody beautiful, my alarm clock rang at like 6 and as I got up and looked out the window , I saw that it was POURING. It was so pretty, the rain was so heavy that you couldn't see too far, and everything was kind of suffused in this gray mist, the fields, the trees, wished I'd had my camera. But then I remembered that it was monday, and I though oh crap, they can't ACTUALLY expect us to get up and go to class, can they? But they did, and I did, and there once again life trundled on, I sludge trudged my way back and forth, and now I can't wait to go back to my room, and stare out of the window happily, till I remember that I have laundry to do....Oh crap I have laundry to do.
Oh today, I suddenly discovered that if I want hot water, I have to turn on a switch!!! OHMYGOD. All this time I've been freezing away and trying to convinve myself that cold showers build character ( Calvin and Hobbes), and there's a freakin switch!!!!!Now I know! The other day I also found that there's a water cooler right on my floor, so I don't have to got all the way down when I want cold water to drink.Damn, I really don't know what world I've been living in lately. I'm going to go back home and Clousseau my way around the whole place just to see if I've missed out any other important details.
Ok I'm off now, must wash clothes. Obladi,oblada, lalalala life goes on.( Ok I know thats not how The Beatles sang it, but I can't remember the words now)
Ah......sigh,to die,nay to sleep, for in that sleep what dreams may come..something, something.God I'm paraphrasing Shakespeare.
But basically so far, law school = good, life = looking up, me= a little tired, a little wary. I miss my friends a lot, don't really miss home, nothing to miss I guess. It's a wierd feeling, I'm like a drifter, no where really to go back too, only looking forward.
Man I'm just going nowhere with this post, random ramblings. Shooby,dooby,dooby, dooop.I feel old all of a sudden, like I've been trying to live for way too long, and the struggle is all but squishing me into a lump of Bimla's Chutney.( Good for health yah!). I got a package today, from home a book and a CD that I'd conveniently left behind, and my name was printed on it, and below the law school, and I was just like Wow...Thats my address, this means I actually went somewhere,I actually did something with my life( alert: premature elation. wouldnt put it past myself to screw things up)Heh heh, who woulda thunk it?
This morning was so bloody beautiful, my alarm clock rang at like 6 and as I got up and looked out the window , I saw that it was POURING. It was so pretty, the rain was so heavy that you couldn't see too far, and everything was kind of suffused in this gray mist, the fields, the trees, wished I'd had my camera. But then I remembered that it was monday, and I though oh crap, they can't ACTUALLY expect us to get up and go to class, can they? But they did, and I did, and there once again life trundled on, I sludge trudged my way back and forth, and now I can't wait to go back to my room, and stare out of the window happily, till I remember that I have laundry to do....Oh crap I have laundry to do.
Oh today, I suddenly discovered that if I want hot water, I have to turn on a switch!!! OHMYGOD. All this time I've been freezing away and trying to convinve myself that cold showers build character ( Calvin and Hobbes), and there's a freakin switch!!!!!Now I know! The other day I also found that there's a water cooler right on my floor, so I don't have to got all the way down when I want cold water to drink.Damn, I really don't know what world I've been living in lately. I'm going to go back home and Clousseau my way around the whole place just to see if I've missed out any other important details.
Ok I'm off now, must wash clothes. Obladi,oblada, lalalala life goes on.( Ok I know thats not how The Beatles sang it, but I can't remember the words now)
Monday, June 28, 2004
CASTAWAY
Lately I've been feeling very, very lonely, like I'm actually the only person in my life. It's not like I don't talk to my friends or anything, it's just that I don't connect with what anybody's saying anymore.It's even worse with strangers, I barely feel like making an effort to get to know them. I'm sick of saying 'oh hey I'm so and so from so and so...blah blah blah' NEEEEXXT.
I'm just Tom Hanks in Castaway, just wait, I'll be talking to a football before you know it. And then to make matters worse, I've been listening to Lifehouse (aka Emotional Suicide On A CD), so you can see why the skies have been looking stormy in the East lately.You know what I feel like, I feel like Calvin ( from the cartoon strip) sitting all alone on this gorgoeous alien planet, on the edge of a cliff throwing rocks at the twin moons.
All by MAAAAAAAAAHHHHH SSSSSEEELLLLLLFFFFFF!!!!!
I'm gonna be, all by MAAAAAAAAAHHHH SEEELLLLLFFFFFF.
Oh God, now I'm morphing into Bridget Jones.
PS-In more exciting news, I watched Troy last week, (good god Brad Pitt), and classes are starting on Thursday.
I'm just Tom Hanks in Castaway, just wait, I'll be talking to a football before you know it. And then to make matters worse, I've been listening to Lifehouse (aka Emotional Suicide On A CD), so you can see why the skies have been looking stormy in the East lately.You know what I feel like, I feel like Calvin ( from the cartoon strip) sitting all alone on this gorgoeous alien planet, on the edge of a cliff throwing rocks at the twin moons.
All by MAAAAAAAAAHHHHH SSSSSEEELLLLLLFFFFFF!!!!!
I'm gonna be, all by MAAAAAAAAAHHHH SEEELLLLLFFFFFF.
Oh God, now I'm morphing into Bridget Jones.
PS-In more exciting news, I watched Troy last week, (good god Brad Pitt), and classes are starting on Thursday.
Wednesday, June 23, 2004
GAMES PEOPLE PLAY
If there's ONE thing i really hate ( apart from Banana's) its the games people play. Infuriating. Like buddy, get over yourself already, I'm NOT interesting in having a who's-more-disinterested contest here. Hell I was actually even trying to be a doormat for a while. Stupid, stupid me.
You know thats what I've learnt about friends, if you ever wonder why someone who supposedly cared about you is behaving like a total jerk, ask them why and if there's no good reason, just screw it man. Hello, I have better things to do with my time, and if I have to be wondering whats going on every five minutes, then its not worth it, and if someone doesn't want to keep in touch, then there was no real friendship there anyway.
Whatever.
See, see THIS is what happens when your best friend moves to another freaking country!(FOR DOOKU:but it's not her I'm mad at,its just that i have no one to talk to, thats all)You start putting crap up on the freaking internet!why ?why?WHY?
I think I'll go before I say something even more ridiculous.
You know thats what I've learnt about friends, if you ever wonder why someone who supposedly cared about you is behaving like a total jerk, ask them why and if there's no good reason, just screw it man. Hello, I have better things to do with my time, and if I have to be wondering whats going on every five minutes, then its not worth it, and if someone doesn't want to keep in touch, then there was no real friendship there anyway.
Whatever.
See, see THIS is what happens when your best friend moves to another freaking country!(FOR DOOKU:but it's not her I'm mad at,its just that i have no one to talk to, thats all)You start putting crap up on the freaking internet!why ?why?WHY?
I think I'll go before I say something even more ridiculous.
Tuesday, June 22, 2004
HAVING A BATH
So you wake up one partly cloudy tuesday morning ( after having watched a kick ass football match the previous night, in which England kicked Croatia's butt 4-2!actually they were both fighting hard, gotta give Croatia their props) and think you'll get out of bed and have a nice refreshing shower, then saunter downstairs and impress everyone (meaning the dog) by looking refreshed and confident.HAH! Think again.
Life, has other plans.Life,has decided, in it's typically inconsiderate and authoritarian manner, that it shall do exactly what it wishes with your seemingly unremarkable partly cloudy tuesday, and do so without giving you any prior notice.
'Semi Charmed Kind Of Life' by 3rd eye Blind starts to play on the Worldspace, and you think ah...yes, now is a good time to get up, haul yourself out of bed, turn on the geyser and brush your teeth, wash up blah blah, make the bed. the water must be warm by now, you say to yourself, turn on the shower step in and its freezing.
What the hell?Maybe it's broken.Ok never mind you step out of the shower wrap yourself in a towel and potter around aimlessly.
The water HAS to be hot now. Try again.Still subzero.
You check the geyser switch and bloody hell -it isnt even on.(No doubt the work of the friendly poltergeist that lives under my toilet cause i SWEAR to heaven , i turned the thing on)Potter aimlessly once again and finally manage to have a decent hot shower, though by this time exhaustion has set in, and all hope of actually impressing a certain fox terrier with clean and rejuvinated appearance has faded.
It was just one of those mornings, and it took me half an hour to decide what to wear, cause the mood of the day hadn't struck me, so i threw clothes all over the place, and now I have a killer mess to clean up, when I get back home.sigh. I consoled myself by having a hearty breakfast of Orange Juice and an Oreo cookie.(note: go to grocery store and buy Frosties)
Then I went to the doctor and got a medical check up done.They won't let me into law school without it, apparently if I fall terminally ill, the tiny little campus clinic will leaf through my medical history so that they can use the vast supply of band aids that they have to save my life.(heh heh, sense of humour is till intact. its a good sign)
Now I'm just waiting for the bloody day to end so as I can run off to the Adidas and Weekenders 50% off sale.Yay! I think a little time with my girlfriends in Barista wouldn't hurt either.
God, when you're leaving things just start to speed up.So much to do, to pack, to buy, so many good byes to say.Everything seems like such a big blur. I still haven't figured out how I'm going to lug my guitar around.I think I have to get a hard case.See there's another thing I have to do.
I'm going nuts I tell you! Since I'm not doing anything productive anyway, I think I'll go make a list of all the things I have to do tomorrow. Tomorrow will be a day of things accomplished with clinical precision.Clinical!You here me shower?!?Clinical!
Hey has anyone heard that new Dave Matthews song 'Oh'?I love it.It makes me want to cry whenever I hear it. that Dave Matthews has one hell of a nice voice.
Life, has other plans.Life,has decided, in it's typically inconsiderate and authoritarian manner, that it shall do exactly what it wishes with your seemingly unremarkable partly cloudy tuesday, and do so without giving you any prior notice.
'Semi Charmed Kind Of Life' by 3rd eye Blind starts to play on the Worldspace, and you think ah...yes, now is a good time to get up, haul yourself out of bed, turn on the geyser and brush your teeth, wash up blah blah, make the bed. the water must be warm by now, you say to yourself, turn on the shower step in and its freezing.
What the hell?Maybe it's broken.Ok never mind you step out of the shower wrap yourself in a towel and potter around aimlessly.
The water HAS to be hot now. Try again.Still subzero.
You check the geyser switch and bloody hell -it isnt even on.(No doubt the work of the friendly poltergeist that lives under my toilet cause i SWEAR to heaven , i turned the thing on)Potter aimlessly once again and finally manage to have a decent hot shower, though by this time exhaustion has set in, and all hope of actually impressing a certain fox terrier with clean and rejuvinated appearance has faded.
It was just one of those mornings, and it took me half an hour to decide what to wear, cause the mood of the day hadn't struck me, so i threw clothes all over the place, and now I have a killer mess to clean up, when I get back home.sigh. I consoled myself by having a hearty breakfast of Orange Juice and an Oreo cookie.(note: go to grocery store and buy Frosties)
Then I went to the doctor and got a medical check up done.They won't let me into law school without it, apparently if I fall terminally ill, the tiny little campus clinic will leaf through my medical history so that they can use the vast supply of band aids that they have to save my life.(heh heh, sense of humour is till intact. its a good sign)
Now I'm just waiting for the bloody day to end so as I can run off to the Adidas and Weekenders 50% off sale.Yay! I think a little time with my girlfriends in Barista wouldn't hurt either.
God, when you're leaving things just start to speed up.So much to do, to pack, to buy, so many good byes to say.Everything seems like such a big blur. I still haven't figured out how I'm going to lug my guitar around.I think I have to get a hard case.See there's another thing I have to do.
I'm going nuts I tell you! Since I'm not doing anything productive anyway, I think I'll go make a list of all the things I have to do tomorrow. Tomorrow will be a day of things accomplished with clinical precision.Clinical!You here me shower?!?Clinical!
Hey has anyone heard that new Dave Matthews song 'Oh'?I love it.It makes me want to cry whenever I hear it. that Dave Matthews has one hell of a nice voice.
Saturday, June 05, 2004
GO TO FIJI
If you know whats good for you, you'll pick your ass up and get on the next plane to Fiji.I had so much fun, so much fun. Ok it's not like I've never had fun before, but with all the work and pressure that life has been dumping on me, this vacation was exactly what I needed. I feel happy and refreshed, I discovered the joys of Board Shorts and Kahluas and Kayaking, and I've come back tanned and relaxed, ready to plunge headfirst into my life again and just dying to vanquish the demons that dare to cross my path.
Ok, maybe I shouldn't be tempting fate quite so much. Lets say I'm ready to calmly discuss my views with the demons and see if an amicable solution can't be reached.
Plus I revised my PLAN. You know THE plan, for life in general, and I've adjusted somethings to incorporate more frivolous activity and misbehaviour. Sigh.............nice big happy sigh. Not that everything is all sunshine and rainbows, there are still things to deal with, but I think I can deal with them now, won't be too much fun, but atleast I feel better about it all now. I can handle it, I'll come out alive.
At first I was afraid I was petrified.......etc etc
This is me singing on the internet.
It'll all be fine in the end.
Can everyone say BULA!!
Ok, maybe I shouldn't be tempting fate quite so much. Lets say I'm ready to calmly discuss my views with the demons and see if an amicable solution can't be reached.
Plus I revised my PLAN. You know THE plan, for life in general, and I've adjusted somethings to incorporate more frivolous activity and misbehaviour. Sigh.............nice big happy sigh. Not that everything is all sunshine and rainbows, there are still things to deal with, but I think I can deal with them now, won't be too much fun, but atleast I feel better about it all now. I can handle it, I'll come out alive.
At first I was afraid I was petrified.......etc etc
This is me singing on the internet.
It'll all be fine in the end.
Can everyone say BULA!!
Thursday, May 20, 2004
ANGER MANAGEMENT
God, you know some days, you've just about taken all you can possibly take and you need to just let it all out! Today was one of those days. It's like all the pressure of the past few weeks, everything was just sitting there and waiting to explode.
At times like this it's nice to have a venting buddy, and conveniently I had one(both of our respective first preference venting buddies weren't around) so i spent like 2 hours driving around the city, just complaining arbitrarily about everything.
You know it kind of feels better, but not quite.
It only feels good while you're yelling, but afterwards you still have to get down to dealing with the things that are bugging you.
I hate having to be mature and responsible sometimes, its like I wish I could just be childish and cranky and my parents would handle everything.Sigh, such is life.
Anyway life goes on, and whatever happens I can deal with it. The most comforting thing my dad ever said to me was that there's no problem on earth that doesn't have a solution. He's right, but sometimes it takes so much effort to work the solution.
At times like this it's nice to have a venting buddy, and conveniently I had one(both of our respective first preference venting buddies weren't around) so i spent like 2 hours driving around the city, just complaining arbitrarily about everything.
You know it kind of feels better, but not quite.
It only feels good while you're yelling, but afterwards you still have to get down to dealing with the things that are bugging you.
I hate having to be mature and responsible sometimes, its like I wish I could just be childish and cranky and my parents would handle everything.Sigh, such is life.
Anyway life goes on, and whatever happens I can deal with it. The most comforting thing my dad ever said to me was that there's no problem on earth that doesn't have a solution. He's right, but sometimes it takes so much effort to work the solution.
Thursday, May 13, 2004
UNEXPECTED TRIUMPH
The elections were on right? Everyone knows, and I expected those fascist minority bashing a**holes to win. Boy were we WRONG. We've just had one of the most unexpected, unpredicted, potentially great results in the history of my great country. The Congress is winning, so far it has about 217 seats, the BJP only has about 190 seats, and the Congress is expected to form an alliance with either the SP or BSP, and will be coming to power!
Hahahahahahahaha!! Death to all this Hindutva nonsense, I hope this reflects the people's rejection of the RSS/VHP agenda, but you can't be sure exactly why people voted the way they did. Hell I don't even undestand it.The exit polls, about which there's been sooooo much controversy, were absolutely wrong, and infact teh actual events couldn't have been more far removed from whats actually happening.Needless to say I'm happy, very happy.
Still I guess we all have to wait and see what happens. No premature celebrations (all though I AM guilty of sending several triumphant cell phone mesages to oh, say everyone I know)
But who knows, I really hope that Sonia Gandhi does a good job, and leads the country in an able and mature manner, I hope she holds her own in the hugely challenging internatinal scenario as Prime Minister of the world's second largest population, because all said and done, the one thing the BJP did, and I respect them for it, was to provide a stable , forward moving government, that certainly did some good things, while it was there. Unfortunately, it crucified secularism, and in the process did its best to destroy( or rather did nothing to protect) one of the greaest ideals of the Union Of India. So alas, this was too big a thing for me to overlook, hence untill the BJP dumps its Hindutva pals,I and hopefully most other sane thinking people will never give it our support.And that's that.
PS- That Rahul Gandhi has a really cute dimple.
Hahahahahahahaha!! Death to all this Hindutva nonsense, I hope this reflects the people's rejection of the RSS/VHP agenda, but you can't be sure exactly why people voted the way they did. Hell I don't even undestand it.The exit polls, about which there's been sooooo much controversy, were absolutely wrong, and infact teh actual events couldn't have been more far removed from whats actually happening.Needless to say I'm happy, very happy.
Still I guess we all have to wait and see what happens. No premature celebrations (all though I AM guilty of sending several triumphant cell phone mesages to oh, say everyone I know)
But who knows, I really hope that Sonia Gandhi does a good job, and leads the country in an able and mature manner, I hope she holds her own in the hugely challenging internatinal scenario as Prime Minister of the world's second largest population, because all said and done, the one thing the BJP did, and I respect them for it, was to provide a stable , forward moving government, that certainly did some good things, while it was there. Unfortunately, it crucified secularism, and in the process did its best to destroy( or rather did nothing to protect) one of the greaest ideals of the Union Of India. So alas, this was too big a thing for me to overlook, hence untill the BJP dumps its Hindutva pals,I and hopefully most other sane thinking people will never give it our support.And that's that.
PS- That Rahul Gandhi has a really cute dimple.
Tuesday, May 11, 2004
THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST
So I watched The Passion Of The Christ. For no real reason, other than the fact that I wanted to see what all the fuss was about.First off, I should point out that I'm an absolute, complete SAP when it comes to War movie's and Jesus movies (I'm not Christian, but I think I must have been in my last life time, or something.) so my analysis might be tainted with my propensity to be moved by any thing connected with Christ or the sadness of human nature.
With that said.....I quite liked the movie. Overall way, way too much violence, so much violence that you just kind of zone out, and start fiddling with your cell phone in the theatre, till something else starts to happen.It's actually even a little boring, cause nothing freaking happens. The whole movie was kind of like The Lord Of The Rings. The whole purpose of the movies was just to see those situations which you picture in your head, brought to life. Mel Gibson didn't really dwell on the true message of Christ, but spent more time making sure we all saw the "famous" parts, like the part where he says " This bread is my body, which I have given up for you", and all those "important" parts like the "Forgive them Father, for they know not what they do" etc, etc. Basically all the stuff they teach you in school.
However the overall impact of the movie was powerful, though in parts you feel like Gibson just added slow motion so that he could fill 2 hours of film.Jim Caviezel, as Jesus, was pretty good. He's kind of what I imagined Jesus should look and be like, but in parts where he's giving his sermons, I don't think he quite pulled it off. Monica Bellucci ( Mary Magdalene) and Maia Morgenstern (Virgin Mary) were quite watchable, though neither did much but walk around and cry.Hristo Shopov (Pontius Pilate) was fabulous , I loved all his scenes , thought he did a really good job. The Jewish clergy were also very convincing.There were these wierd scenes with Satan (Rosalinda Celentano) though, that were felt like they were lifted from that J.Lo movie The Cell, sort of like some out of place tribute to Gothic artwork.
The movie would have been improved, if the director had taken some time to showcase the true meaning of Christ's existence, and the impact he had on the people and the times. At parts you feel like , the movie gets close to a revelation of sorts, but the script neatly sidesteps any sort of contemplation on any core Christian philosophy.Like when Pontius Pilate asks Jesus "What is the truth?" and you're like all anticipating the answer and then the scene cuts to the angry mob outside.( what gives?) As for the whole anti-semitism controversy, I didn't find anything THAT objectionable about the whole thing.
As far as I can tell Gibson's version is pretty accurate, and the movie doesn't really arouse any strongly anti-semitic feelings. You do feel angry, but only towards the clergy, who clearly call for the crucifiction, but there is no blame placed on the Jewish people, who are portrayed merely as sheep, following the lead of the Head Rabbi.So I really don't know why people are getting so upset. Yeah, I guess it may arouse some bad memories, but I don't really think there's anything in the movie to fuel any real hatred.But hey that's just me, I'm as secular minded as they come, so I probably wouldn't know, what could trigger these nutcases off.
Overall I'd give the movie a 7 on 10,I say try and catch it in the theatre, but be prepared for the subtitles,loads of mind numbing violence,some truly great cinematography, and just a teensy bit of boredom.
With that said.....I quite liked the movie. Overall way, way too much violence, so much violence that you just kind of zone out, and start fiddling with your cell phone in the theatre, till something else starts to happen.It's actually even a little boring, cause nothing freaking happens. The whole movie was kind of like The Lord Of The Rings. The whole purpose of the movies was just to see those situations which you picture in your head, brought to life. Mel Gibson didn't really dwell on the true message of Christ, but spent more time making sure we all saw the "famous" parts, like the part where he says " This bread is my body, which I have given up for you", and all those "important" parts like the "Forgive them Father, for they know not what they do" etc, etc. Basically all the stuff they teach you in school.
However the overall impact of the movie was powerful, though in parts you feel like Gibson just added slow motion so that he could fill 2 hours of film.Jim Caviezel, as Jesus, was pretty good. He's kind of what I imagined Jesus should look and be like, but in parts where he's giving his sermons, I don't think he quite pulled it off. Monica Bellucci ( Mary Magdalene) and Maia Morgenstern (Virgin Mary) were quite watchable, though neither did much but walk around and cry.Hristo Shopov (Pontius Pilate) was fabulous , I loved all his scenes , thought he did a really good job. The Jewish clergy were also very convincing.There were these wierd scenes with Satan (Rosalinda Celentano) though, that were felt like they were lifted from that J.Lo movie The Cell, sort of like some out of place tribute to Gothic artwork.
The movie would have been improved, if the director had taken some time to showcase the true meaning of Christ's existence, and the impact he had on the people and the times. At parts you feel like , the movie gets close to a revelation of sorts, but the script neatly sidesteps any sort of contemplation on any core Christian philosophy.Like when Pontius Pilate asks Jesus "What is the truth?" and you're like all anticipating the answer and then the scene cuts to the angry mob outside.( what gives?) As for the whole anti-semitism controversy, I didn't find anything THAT objectionable about the whole thing.
As far as I can tell Gibson's version is pretty accurate, and the movie doesn't really arouse any strongly anti-semitic feelings. You do feel angry, but only towards the clergy, who clearly call for the crucifiction, but there is no blame placed on the Jewish people, who are portrayed merely as sheep, following the lead of the Head Rabbi.So I really don't know why people are getting so upset. Yeah, I guess it may arouse some bad memories, but I don't really think there's anything in the movie to fuel any real hatred.But hey that's just me, I'm as secular minded as they come, so I probably wouldn't know, what could trigger these nutcases off.
Overall I'd give the movie a 7 on 10,I say try and catch it in the theatre, but be prepared for the subtitles,loads of mind numbing violence,some truly great cinematography, and just a teensy bit of boredom.
Sunday, May 09, 2004
WHAT'S GOING ON?
You know everyone the world over is talking about those pictures of the Iraqi prisoners. Yes they're gruesome and disgusting and they make me sick to my stomach, but hello? People have to be real idiots if they think this sort of thing isn't happening in every other prison, during every other armed conflict.
But people are so quick to blame, and I'm not saying the Bush Govt isn't responsible, hell yes they are! Heads should roll, Rumsfeld should step down!Thse responsible should be court-martialed! But it's important to take two steps back and contemplate, why this happened.
What on earth happened to those soldiers to turn them into the monsters they've now been hailed as? How could any decent human being resort to doing something so depraved? So what changed?
The answer to this question is unfortunately, War.
War has the ability to corrupt the purest of beings, it can convert a sweet, peace seeking mind to an angry, frustrated demon, one that has no sense of scruples, one that will do anything to express the monster that lies within.
This is why above all other reasons, I was opposed to the war.Ofcourse, there were no WMD's (duh ), ofcourse the invasion was unjust, and uncalled for.
But the really the thing that I was most afraid of was the thing that has come to pass. I was afraid of what it would turn people into.
So when I'm arguing with friends about the War in Iraq ( i'm against) , people never get the fact, that all other things aside, war, except in the most extreme cases never does any good.
I'm not being a wimp, I'm not being naive, I'm simply saying there are other ways to deal with the problems of the world. And I'm afraid to say that by the time people realise this, it's going to be a little too late.
But people are so quick to blame, and I'm not saying the Bush Govt isn't responsible, hell yes they are! Heads should roll, Rumsfeld should step down!Thse responsible should be court-martialed! But it's important to take two steps back and contemplate, why this happened.
What on earth happened to those soldiers to turn them into the monsters they've now been hailed as? How could any decent human being resort to doing something so depraved? So what changed?
The answer to this question is unfortunately, War.
War has the ability to corrupt the purest of beings, it can convert a sweet, peace seeking mind to an angry, frustrated demon, one that has no sense of scruples, one that will do anything to express the monster that lies within.
This is why above all other reasons, I was opposed to the war.Ofcourse, there were no WMD's (duh ), ofcourse the invasion was unjust, and uncalled for.
But the really the thing that I was most afraid of was the thing that has come to pass. I was afraid of what it would turn people into.
So when I'm arguing with friends about the War in Iraq ( i'm against) , people never get the fact, that all other things aside, war, except in the most extreme cases never does any good.
I'm not being a wimp, I'm not being naive, I'm simply saying there are other ways to deal with the problems of the world. And I'm afraid to say that by the time people realise this, it's going to be a little too late.
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