Russian Roulette

A change in the weather, a cloudy day
Was all I ever gave away.
Anyway we only played for small change.

A killer smile, was all it took
Lord himself couldn't pass up that look.
Anyway you only smiled like that once.

Walk with me, was all you'd say
Like I could have turned away.
Anyway it was never about me.

So we're standing on the railway line
You'll go your way and I'll go mine.
Mostly, anyway.

And when this game is played right through
And there's nothing left for me and you
I'll look at you and then I'll say,
Should have saved your poker face for another day.

The Third Verse to a Better Song

The hills reflect a dappled moon, the band strikes up a forgetful tune.
And I blow a kiss from me to you, a deeper shade of another blue.
Melody to silence a scream, a song to quench an impossible dream.

So I sing myself a lullaby
I really have no tears to cry.

Heartbeats

Tonight I will paint my masterpiece
and rival the night's canvas.

Tonight I will feel the emptiness of ghosts
and find a forgetful redemption.

Tonight I will walk into forever
and play your symphony in my head.

Tonight I listen to heartbeats
and wish your face away.

The Greatest Gift

Immerse your mind in a sea of time,
Pick the words out from the rhyme
Paint a picture of the past.

Grasp at tiny flecks of sand,
Filtering formless down your hand
Hope for stasis.

Watch the smoke curl through your hair,
Fleeting poetry in the air
Wish away the day.

But I have loved all this random play.
Finding you, losing my way.
I sit and watch the clouds go by.
I'm still waiting for that gig in the sky.

Shtuck

contrary to popular opinion.
its actually worse to not feel at all.

A whine.

I can't. I can't do this anymore.
I won't.
This can't be only way to feel.
This can't. This can't be the only way.
Help me.
Someone.
You're out there, I know it.
Just show me the road.
And I will fucking walk it. I will fucking walk it the whole way.
I will never look back.
My head will look straight and my body will obey.
This will not happen to me again.

On My Mind

Sometimes I feel super.
Sometimes I feel like everything that happens to me is poetry.
Sometimes I feel like no matter what someone far out on the surface is getting hurt, not me.
Sometimes things are so perfect that even if a speck of dust shifted it wouldn't be as great.
Sometimes I feel like I can't breathe any more, and I have to run.
Sometimes I talk too much and I feel full and surrounded.
Sometimes loneliness comes crawling to me in the dark and emptiness fills everything.

But I think that if I actually found my way I'd cry myself to death.

So I'm glad I have you.

I Shall Be Released

There's only so much a song can do
But I know that there's something wrong
When a song is the only thing that does it for me.

Any day now, any day now...

Simple Rules

I wish I could unscrew the top of my head and paint my thoughts across the wall.
And then maybe I could change the shape of things in my mind.
I wish I could drip a little blood out
And the maybe I could change the things my heart beats for.
It should be that easy.

Soliloquy

A dark night
A starry field
And me chasing your silhouette,
Not wanting to think about tomorrow.

A sunset strip
A rock to sit for a spell
And us wasting our lives away,
Waiting for it to rain.

An old tune
An eternity of sky
And you being with me
Not wanting to leave.

Pizza

Eno. But Ok.

Space In Between

Too much distance
Sigh
To blow up and start again?
I don't know.
I half want to.

Full Circle and Out of the Loop

For me, last night was surreal.
I found myself staring at the saddest face I had seen in a long time. I looked out the window of the car and saw a bride with her eyes downcast and sorrowful being driven to her wedding, there was a man on a white horse riding next to her, probably going to the same place.
We got to the park, and as I walked in, I could see the mist curling out in front of me, and the wisps of my breath mingling into it. I've never felt as disconnected from everything I knew as I did then. The thought of my life made me nauseous. But everything else around me was so perfect and irrevocably beautiful. It was like being stuck between the abyss and freedom, except that there's a big, cracked glass wall between you and every fucking thing that you want.
I walked and walked and walked, and with every step I took, I thought about everything that my life has been for the last three years, every lie I told the world but tortured myself with secretly, every time I cried and cried and cried and thought that I wouldn't stop, every time I felt like I had been hit in the stomach with a pole.
Why does life get so messy? Why do people willfully make themselves sad?
We stopped by the lake, and sat down on the edge of it, staring at the reflection of the trees, I wonder what it'd be like to fall into a lake and discover another world. Last night it really looked possible. I'm sure someone somewhere has written a book about it. I told my most convincing ghost stories, feeling pleased with myself, and pretending that my spine wasn't secretly tingling with nervousness.
Every time I think about what happened, I think that it was a form of punishment that I must have deserved for something horrible I did in a previous life. I think the higher powers looked down on me and said, So you think you're a good person now? Its not so easy. We're going to make you hurt and only then will you learn.
I feel like I've been chased by a tidal wave for the last 7 years of my life, just with different players. I feel like I ran until I had nothing left, like I was a sand person, and each time the water came close, it washed a little more of me away.
We rounded a corner, I saw a lamp that was dying out, and I was trying discreetly to pretend that I didn't notice couples kissing all around me. Stupid intruder, I was, I felt like I should go to all of them and say sorry. Heh heh. We stopped to inspect all the really old buildings, of course I was too chicken to go inside, what if something wicked was lurking quietly in the shadows. My life may seem like a train wreck, but I'd still like the chance to fix it. I don't want to be tomorrow's headline. We decided to ditch the roads and walk on the grass.
So what's happening with me now? Am I Ok? To be honest, its too late in the evening to know for sure. I wanted to scream and cry and run away from everything and start my life all over again. I felt real rage. I can't do this. There isn't going to be anything left of me in the end. Nothing can be worth that much. Except that one real shot at eternity. And that's what I have. So I am on a course that is going to head me straight into the heart of the sun, and potentially I will die before I get there.
I really don't know what else to do.
We walked out of the park, random snatches of conversation popped into my head, as we sat in the car, I looked out again, and saw the wedding party. The horse had discharged it's groom bearing duty, and was pacing nervously in the corner wondering when it'd have to make the no doubt terrifying journey back into rush hour traffic. The married couple were being surrounded by a crowd of adoring relatives, and even though I tried I couldn't catch a glimpse of the bride's face. Maybe she's feeling cheerful now, maybe her husband is outrageously good looking, and maybe they're going to be very happy, have two children, live in a nice house and worry vaguely about global warming.
Am I actually going to get rid of this feeling? Is it actually dissipating? Is this the final catharsis?It's a black nighttime world with lonely people living lonely lives, not realising that the people that are standing right next to them on the road are dealing with the exact same things that they are. Everyone is lonely together I guess. So, have I gotten it all out of my system? It feels so strange, I've grown with this feeling, it's coloured every aspect of who I am. After all these years of sordid friendship, it wouldn't leave me in the lurch now would it?
We got into the house. I smoked a cigar for the very first time in my life. A complete and total let down it was, totally not worth a second try. And I sat there with three of my favourite people, and suddenly it all got better. I laughed and ate and made small pointless conversation and felt quite pleased with myself, for the second time in the evening. I think I spend most of my time feeling either completely disgusted with myself or completely satisfied with my behaviour. There doesn't seem to be a middle path for me.
I am saying goodbye to an old friend, I am telling him to go away and not come back for a while. I am saying, I love you, but get lost, I am saying, you were great in every possible way, but fuck off.
I drove in a big circle today, I saw the beginning and end of a wedding, walked all the way around a park, started at the very first day of the most painful years of my life and walked through them all till the present, where I really feel that a circumference is closing in, and I'm stepping out of it. Into another one, no doubt, but lets see where this one goes.
Last night I saw the saddest face I had ever seen, I looked it in it's fungus eye and told it to take a deep breath and stop crying.

Glass Slipper Valentine

If I cut my heart
into pieces ten,
The biggest one
would be yours then.

I'd give it to you
in a box of lace,
And watch the smile
light up your face.

And I'd be happy
as can be,
To know you had
a piece of me.

A little blood
I'd spill for thee,
To give you all,
that you gave me.

Ennui

You have my whole universe in a little box in your pocket.
And I don't even want it back.
What a pathetic loser I am.

Street Rhyme

There is a sunset strip In the corner of my eye,
There is an infinite moment In You and I
The veils are doubled In black, I see
I want your cage, And I feel free

There is nothing turning in the sky, no wind on the road, no rain, not even a heartbeat to tell me which way to go.

-------------------------
A stupid little rhyme, but I felt like writing it. Anyway, what you gonna do about it?

Two - Penny

Its a cold morning, and I look out of my window.
A hot day is on its way,
Catharsis, today, I think is the only way out.
How much is there to say?
The clouds are swirling outside,
They paint a jealous canvas on the sky,
And mirror the mood I'm in perfectly.

Embryo.

Urgh. Go. Vamoose. Kazaam.
There, I set you free. Now, go on, fly away.Shoo.

Sunshine, Eternal

Its time to change.
I'm quite honestly tired of pretty much everything about my life right now. I am quite possibly in love with every part of it, but its become like some moldy old security blanket that I've always been attached to but suddenly starts to remind me of all the times I sobbed into it.
Its late at night, I am extremely tired and in all probability am not in complete control of all that I'm typing. I'm just fed up, I feel like that woman in the movie Chocolat who has to uproot her life and get somewhere far away every time the north wind gets under her collar.
I want to sit down somewhere and figure out exactly what I'm doing with my life and what it is that I really want and stop trying to hurtle blindly through it all while simply assuming that somehow miraculously I will end up unscathed in a place that I want to be.
Everything I think I know makes me seem ridiculous. I don't likes it preciousss.