Poste scripte

Tired of talking on the phone
tired of drinking tea alone

tired of wondering what I've done
tired of never being the one

tired of thinking about whether you care
or just how long you're going to be there

tired of trying to be what you need
i just cant do it, i will concede

So my dear friend,
how hard can this be?
I give up,
you can be free.

Its just that I'm tired of everything you see?
so very tired of you and me.

*A complete rip off from Meenakshi*

A day in the life of flunky

Blankets. Cold. Fog.
Merge.Snooze. Eat.
Snooze.Cold. Ignore. Cold.
Eat.Cold.Heater.Blankets.

Right now I want to be
Someone other than me.

One big circle

I chose to go down this road and everything it means.
I am happy. Yes I am.
But behind every grassy field, there is a mountain lounging in the blue misty distance.
Reminding me that you are what I left behind.

And I guess its ok. I mean...I mean yes, it is ok.

I'm happy to be angry.

Lately I've been feeling a strange contentment. Strange because, its not the usual over the top annoyingly smug sort of contentment that usually only lasts a week till you have to pay your rent. Its actually this sort of loch ness monster sort of peacefulness lurking quietly in the shadows of my life, just minding its own business.

Weird.

These Days

Buckets of Rain

Is This Necessary, Really?

Home

I have never wanted to be in a particular place at a given time as badly as I do right now.

I love the rain swept terrace and midnight storms.
I love lolla. I love talking about PABs.
I love playing football, I love watching our football players.
I love thinking about what was, and what could have been.
I love wednesday Biryani.
I love it when Shankar is around.
I love mellow evenings and vela bahaar.
I love the maggie that Blackie cooks for me.
I love chatting with the person next door to me through the wall.
I love sneaking into BH1.
I love trying to look nice in the morning.
I love not knowing what is going to happen next.
I love trying and failing to run to Shameerpet every day.
I love water fights and Apdi Podu.
I love stockpiling during prohibition.
I love the fights, the accusations and the controversies.
I love not caring, while acknowledging how much I love and need it all.
I love my life. And I will not stop being grateful. (and I am counting the days till Sunday)

Boom De Yada!

25 Things About Me

1. I am a terribly insecure person.I know the kind of person I want to be, but constantly see myself falling short.
2. I am very very scared of being alone, but have written off humanity as being able to provide an antidote.
3. I really hate toe nails that are even slightly long, and trim mine once a week.
4. All my best friends are people who never judge me, or if they do, they do it quietly and where I can't hear them and I really appreciate it.
5. I firmly believe in second chances and can be very smug about how forgiving I am.
6. When I was a kid my parents lied to me and told me that the only channel on TV was public broadcasting and if I pressed any other button on the remote the TV would explode.
7. I thought my father was actually a Magician till I was 8.
8. I will always love my grandfather, wish he was around and feel cheated by the fact that he's not.
9. I never take anyone else's opinion on music and believe that my judgement is perfect.
10. I've always wished I could dance and be athletic.
11. I hate it when people interrupt me when I'm reading anything. Even a note.
12. I worry that I will never have a flat stomach.
13. I wish that my hair would set itself automatically every day, but because it doesn't I choose not to comb it.
14. I was easily bullied as a child and am still proud that I have grown out of it.
15. I can't walk straight, I always bang into whoever is walking beside me.
16. I do not like most fruits, because I think they're undependable and might always be squishy and disgusting on the inside. I also do not like ice cream.
17. I use clothes and food to get myself out of a bad mood all the time.
18. I love to swim but am very very scared of the sea and big waves or fast moving water.
19. I detest being told what to do and nine times out of ten will do the exact opposite just because someone has told me to do something.
20. I really like people. It gives me a kick to get to know new people, especially those whom I think I will have nothing in common with or whom most people do not seem to be fond of.
21. I am very proud of my sense of humour despite being repeatedly told that I do not have one.
22. I over analyze situations.
23. I always wish I had a sibling because siblings always have this cool 'family secrets' and 'inside jokes' thing happening that I wish I could have.
24. My spellings are really horrendous. I could not spell medieval till I was 18.
25. I once got into a bad accident, and was most worried that above all things I might die a virgin.

On a cold and foggy morning,
The man Jack makes his fern tapestries on the glass
Swirling leaves do a flamenco, carry my head with them.
And I wonder why I'm even awake.

I look out on a cold and foggy morning,
And some desire causes me to reach for this device,
to maybe write a symphony to this beautiful painting, framed so nicely by my window.
But there are no words really, just a vague feeling that there is something to say.

This Old Song

When I turn back the pages on this crazy dream

I see faces and smiles and tears wrapped in a velvet curtain of me.

I remember the rainy days and the sunshine, I remember the big storm and the single candle that burned through it all.

I remember our shadows playing on the road, I remember fields of stars that stretched to forever.

On a lonely night I remember that you're gone, and that there's emptiness in all that was familiar.
I see clenched fists and diamond lakes and tapestries in the sky, wrapped in a curling smoke of me.

And when I walk away, I'll know it all came down to me. I'll take you with me where ever I go, I promise.

But nothing will ever be as beautiful.

Cry, My Beloved Country, Cry.

Today has been a bad day. Everyone in India knows why.
In the past whenever there has been cause for many people to die or suffer, I have watched the news and thought to myself, 'Oh fuck. That's really bad.' , and I have gone to bed that night feeling extremely self righteous.

'I'm not one of those people who thinks that they should all be murdered. I know that most of them have been indoctrinated as children, that many of them have seen horrible violence perpetrated against their families.'

I'm a real liberal, I tell myself. I believe in the goodness of humanity.

Last night when I heard about the attack on Leopold, (not just the Taj or the Trident or Nariman Point, or the many many other places) my mind raced to the times I have been there. To my friends and family who are all in Bombay right now. To the fact that it is so extremely probable that they or someone like me could have been there yesterday.

And I knew hatred. 'How dare they creep towards my loved ones? How dare they harm anybody that I care about?'

I'm a real hypocrite. A number one asshole.

I can only hold my head in shame. For the country that we have created, for the hurt that we have wrought upon ourselves. For every person who wants revenge, for every person that is taught to hate. For the untruth deep in my own heart and the deceit in my soul.

There is nothing to do but cry.

I hope everyone is safe tonight.

when the sky is dark and blue
I hum a song for me and you
we can wait it out together.

but no matter the ice that falls from the sky
no one could feel as cold as I

Russian Roulette

A change in the weather, a cloudy day
Was all I ever gave away.
Anyway we only played for small change.

A killer smile, was all it took
Lord himself couldn't pass up that look.
Anyway you only smiled like that once.

Walk with me, was all you'd say
Like I could have turned away.
Anyway it was never about me.

So we're standing on the railway line
You'll go your way and I'll go mine.
Mostly, anyway.

And when this game is played right through
And there's nothing left for me and you
I'll look at you and then I'll say,
Should have saved your poker face for another day.

The Third Verse to a Better Song

The hills reflect a dappled moon, the band strikes up a forgetful tune.
And I blow a kiss from me to you, a deeper shade of another blue.
Melody to silence a scream, a song to quench an impossible dream.

So I sing myself a lullaby
I really have no tears to cry.

Heartbeats

Tonight I will paint my masterpiece
and rival the night's canvas.

Tonight I will feel the emptiness of ghosts
and find a forgetful redemption.

Tonight I will walk into forever
and play your symphony in my head.

Tonight I listen to heartbeats
and wish your face away.

The Greatest Gift

Immerse your mind in a sea of time,
Pick the words out from the rhyme
Paint a picture of the past.

Grasp at tiny flecks of sand,
Filtering formless down your hand
Hope for stasis.

Watch the smoke curl through your hair,
Fleeting poetry in the air
Wish away the day.

But I have loved all this random play.
Finding you, losing my way.
I sit and watch the clouds go by.
I'm still waiting for that gig in the sky.

Shtuck

contrary to popular opinion.
its actually worse to not feel at all.

A whine.

I can't. I can't do this anymore.
I won't.
This can't be only way to feel.
This can't. This can't be the only way.
Help me.
Someone.
You're out there, I know it.
Just show me the road.
And I will fucking walk it. I will fucking walk it the whole way.
I will never look back.
My head will look straight and my body will obey.
This will not happen to me again.

On My Mind

Sometimes I feel super.
Sometimes I feel like everything that happens to me is poetry.
Sometimes I feel like no matter what someone far out on the surface is getting hurt, not me.
Sometimes things are so perfect that even if a speck of dust shifted it wouldn't be as great.
Sometimes I feel like I can't breathe any more, and I have to run.
Sometimes I talk too much and I feel full and surrounded.
Sometimes loneliness comes crawling to me in the dark and emptiness fills everything.

But I think that if I actually found my way I'd cry myself to death.

So I'm glad I have you.