Well its been a while....Sometimes who you are changes, as circumstances and situations around you change.The person you were in city X, with X friends disappears in city Y, and the things you used to say and do just go away..Or so you think.When the world around you suddenly becomes different and you meet new people and you start thinking a different way, it feels like you've changed and it feels like people you knew before have changed too, but thats not really the way it is.
Because when all is said and done and you're left alone with your thoughts, you realise that nothing has really changed all that much; you're still the same person you were before, still scared of the same things, still wanting the same things, and no matter how hard you try to convince yourself that its all different, underneath it all you're still looking for something and you're still running as fast as you can from the desperate fear inside that tells you that no matter where you go or who you know or what you are in life, you can never escape from yourself.Its strange that no matter how many friends you have and how many people you have that care about you, you'll always truthfully be alone, and all you have is yourself and your mind.
Its the scariest thing in the world to face ( apart from say a gigantically enormous tidal wave-tsunami thing, hurling itself towards you and breathtakingly inevitable speed) I think, the realisation that you're all you've got.
Sometimes I feel so tired,I think that I have everything I could possibly want, and nothing could be better, but I know that there's this nagging little voice that tells me that I still havent found what I'm looking for..Infact, come to think of it, I dont even know what it is that I'm looking for , I dont even know if what I'm looking for is even out there.Hell.I think I need to be super rich or something so that when feel like it,I can just up and go to some other country to sit and think things out.I actually think I need to move out of this country fast,this city, this country everything is just getting too small for me, I just don't want to live here anymore, and I don't care if that means that I have to leave some things behind and start all over, all I know is that it doesnt feel like there's anything for me here, nothing I want will I find if I continue to live this life.
The more I think about it, the more I realise that I'm right...Here I am , at a point in my life where I have everything I could have ever hoped for , say a year ago.This time last year, the life I now lead and the things I have would have seemed like this inconceivable utopia...And here I go again, still wanting to move on and still wishing to be somewhere else.Thats life eh?
New York is my only hope..I need my Sunday Morning life, even then I doubt I'd be entirely satisfied, but I think that I might just have a shot at something close to happiness then..Or not, whatever, fuck it, it'd still be different, and it'd still be like the realisation of a dream, and the plan going according to plan. :-) I don't know though..Its all very confusing and black at the moment...I'm not quite sure what exactly it is that I want, and who exactly I am...This city's going crazy and I must get out.