What else could I be?
Heh heh..Never mind.
I've come to realise that I'm only prompted to put things up on this page when I'm upset. So its sort evolved into this wierd blackhole for all my bad moods.
But I'm not always in a bad mood. For example, right now, I'm in a great mood. I've discovered that the trick to being happy is not to worry that life is going to suck perenially.
It doesnt, and sometimes, nice things actually do happen. Sure it isn't perfect, and there's always something that could make it just a little better.
But right now for example, I'm at work , I'm the last one in the office, I'm listening to Lauryn Hill, and I'm heading out in about ten minutes, to get a cup of coffee and then go back home, where I will eat good food, watch a nice movie and then sleep. The weather outside is also lovely and cloudy, and no one has bugged me, nagged me, yelled at me or been mean to me, all day..
Oh boy I'm just setting myself up for fate to wallop me one good. I'd better stop tempting fate..
Actually it looks like rain, and I'm hungry, and there's no real food here.
Bugger it.
Wednesday, November 09, 2005
Sunday, November 06, 2005
Blackbird Singing
When faced with the crushing emptiness of everything, what do rational human beings do?
..They mope...
Apparently, someone once said that even the white in the painting has meaning..Really?Well then what is it?
Is it there to antagonize the colour? Is it there to enhance the poignancy of the brush strokes? Why?..And what if the whole paper is white and empty?What then?...
Oh no, I'm carrying a metaphor too far..I hate it when that happens...There's nothing more annoying or more preachy than a metaphor thats been carried too far...Yuck...I shall try and approach this mental dilemma from a new angle.
Actually, its not a dilemma, its more that I've been wondering, if there is nothing more to life than the selfish and single pointed pursuit of happiness...If thats all there is, then its got to be pretty boring eh?
How do people live for 70 years without wanting to kill themselves atleast twenty times?..I'm thinking that the only way this happens, is that people keep thinking that if they just put off suicide for a little longer, then life will suddenly miraculously become meaningful and exciting..And then they wait, and they wait, and then suddenly they're so wrapped up in worldly entanglements that they can no longer afford to get out, and then even more hastily,they're old, and then they die..
Wow.
What the hell am i writing? I dont even think its making sense...I have to stop writing this stuff so late at night, because invariably I'm too sleepy to make sense.
Tonight as I was driving home, I swear there was this really spooky air about everything..The moon was a ghostly galleon tossed upon stormy seas, and all that..
Everything was suffused in this atmosphere of mystery and nostalgia..Its kind of hard to explain..The roads were darker than normal, and the few houses that were lit, seemed to exist on the edge of a memory...Everything, reminded me of something I had seen before, or somewhere that I'd been before, and in a wierd way, reminded me also of some place that I'm going to be soon...
I'm very scared of always being alone..Not that I'm alone now.Yet, there is this constant fear of going through life with only myself, and never being able to verify that everything that I think and feel is true, or is real..The night in its own haunting way seemed to fortell many years of driving down dark streets, wondering what the world is, and where I fit into it all.
I can't explain the nostalgia though, I'm too young to feel this nostalgic about anything, and yet, the feeling of something that I had left behind somewhere ran crazy circles around my head. And it wouldn't let me go, like an old friend who persistently demands an explanation for my lack of correspondence over the years...And somewhere, I felt guilty for leaving and not keeping in touch, for being so uncaring and so arrogant and thinking that I could manage everything on my own anyway.
Epiphany.
I'm only alone because I shrug off every commitment, and its only my pride that makes me think that no one would ever understand who I am, and what I'm saying, so I dont even give people chances, and maybe I just don't believe that anyone would bother themselves so much trying to cope with me...And maybe I like it this way...
This is the only way that I know to be free, because God forbid that I should be tied to anything or anyone...It would never do for me, eh? Thats how I've lived my life this far, and I havent even bothered to try anything else..Why?..Because I think I'm happy this way, or atleast I'm at peace this way.
In the dead of night,
Take these broken wings and learn to fly.
The Beatles definitely knew what they were talking about when they wrote this one.
..They mope...
Apparently, someone once said that even the white in the painting has meaning..Really?Well then what is it?
Is it there to antagonize the colour? Is it there to enhance the poignancy of the brush strokes? Why?..And what if the whole paper is white and empty?What then?...
Oh no, I'm carrying a metaphor too far..I hate it when that happens...There's nothing more annoying or more preachy than a metaphor thats been carried too far...Yuck...I shall try and approach this mental dilemma from a new angle.
Actually, its not a dilemma, its more that I've been wondering, if there is nothing more to life than the selfish and single pointed pursuit of happiness...If thats all there is, then its got to be pretty boring eh?
How do people live for 70 years without wanting to kill themselves atleast twenty times?..I'm thinking that the only way this happens, is that people keep thinking that if they just put off suicide for a little longer, then life will suddenly miraculously become meaningful and exciting..And then they wait, and they wait, and then suddenly they're so wrapped up in worldly entanglements that they can no longer afford to get out, and then even more hastily,they're old, and then they die..
Wow.
What the hell am i writing? I dont even think its making sense...I have to stop writing this stuff so late at night, because invariably I'm too sleepy to make sense.
Tonight as I was driving home, I swear there was this really spooky air about everything..The moon was a ghostly galleon tossed upon stormy seas, and all that..
Everything was suffused in this atmosphere of mystery and nostalgia..Its kind of hard to explain..The roads were darker than normal, and the few houses that were lit, seemed to exist on the edge of a memory...Everything, reminded me of something I had seen before, or somewhere that I'd been before, and in a wierd way, reminded me also of some place that I'm going to be soon...
I'm very scared of always being alone..Not that I'm alone now.Yet, there is this constant fear of going through life with only myself, and never being able to verify that everything that I think and feel is true, or is real..The night in its own haunting way seemed to fortell many years of driving down dark streets, wondering what the world is, and where I fit into it all.
I can't explain the nostalgia though, I'm too young to feel this nostalgic about anything, and yet, the feeling of something that I had left behind somewhere ran crazy circles around my head. And it wouldn't let me go, like an old friend who persistently demands an explanation for my lack of correspondence over the years...And somewhere, I felt guilty for leaving and not keeping in touch, for being so uncaring and so arrogant and thinking that I could manage everything on my own anyway.
Epiphany.
I'm only alone because I shrug off every commitment, and its only my pride that makes me think that no one would ever understand who I am, and what I'm saying, so I dont even give people chances, and maybe I just don't believe that anyone would bother themselves so much trying to cope with me...And maybe I like it this way...
This is the only way that I know to be free, because God forbid that I should be tied to anything or anyone...It would never do for me, eh? Thats how I've lived my life this far, and I havent even bothered to try anything else..Why?..Because I think I'm happy this way, or atleast I'm at peace this way.
In the dead of night,
Take these broken wings and learn to fly.
The Beatles definitely knew what they were talking about when they wrote this one.
Saturday, September 24, 2005
ROVING RANDOM
I read a Tolkien book today, anybody who knows about Tolkien will know which book I'm talking about from the title of this post...It was a short book, just about 90 pages, and took me the length of the bus ride back home followed immediately by a two hour stint at the neighbouring tea shop outside to finish it.
I havent read something as nice in ages..It made me think a lot about perception and how great minds like Tolkien, The Beatles, Van Gogh, must have looked at the world..They really saw it differently, they saw something that I cannot see except through their eyes, their words and their hands. Every perception I have about the world, and everything in it, comes from a song or a picture or a book, or even a movie..And it makes me feel so good to know, that world can be as random as something out of somebody else's mind, as long as i choose to see it that way.
The world is only as you see it, nothing more, and nothing less.
Anyone can make the world anything they want it to be..Call it young idealism if you will, maybe I'll laugh at this stuff a few years from now, when 'real life' as they call it hits me in the face, but for now, i lie content in the belief that I have the infinite power to see the world as I choose to.
The idea of infinite freedom of choice and thought is really very very seductive if you think about it, because it just might be a way to keep yourself happy..If only temporarily.
Everything that is sad in my life has something to do with some other person or persons. The moment you remove what they think or say or do, your life becomes much simpler...Its just you and your mind...
I suppose it could get quite lonely...No person is an island, and all that...Maybe like the little wandering dog, you could play with MoonBeams, or Giant Whales, and see things that don't exist anywhere but in dreams, and be happy with yourself and your great adventures...But maybe you, just like the dog, being to dream only of the long and winding road home...There in lies the problem...The only company that Freedom keeps is Loneliness.
And the price of one, is unfortunately the other.
Sighs..oh welll..enough of my rambling for one dark night..I'll just stop here.
I havent read something as nice in ages..It made me think a lot about perception and how great minds like Tolkien, The Beatles, Van Gogh, must have looked at the world..They really saw it differently, they saw something that I cannot see except through their eyes, their words and their hands. Every perception I have about the world, and everything in it, comes from a song or a picture or a book, or even a movie..And it makes me feel so good to know, that world can be as random as something out of somebody else's mind, as long as i choose to see it that way.
The world is only as you see it, nothing more, and nothing less.
Anyone can make the world anything they want it to be..Call it young idealism if you will, maybe I'll laugh at this stuff a few years from now, when 'real life' as they call it hits me in the face, but for now, i lie content in the belief that I have the infinite power to see the world as I choose to.
The idea of infinite freedom of choice and thought is really very very seductive if you think about it, because it just might be a way to keep yourself happy..If only temporarily.
Everything that is sad in my life has something to do with some other person or persons. The moment you remove what they think or say or do, your life becomes much simpler...Its just you and your mind...
I suppose it could get quite lonely...No person is an island, and all that...Maybe like the little wandering dog, you could play with MoonBeams, or Giant Whales, and see things that don't exist anywhere but in dreams, and be happy with yourself and your great adventures...But maybe you, just like the dog, being to dream only of the long and winding road home...There in lies the problem...The only company that Freedom keeps is Loneliness.
And the price of one, is unfortunately the other.
Sighs..oh welll..enough of my rambling for one dark night..I'll just stop here.
Friday, June 10, 2005
THE RAIN CALLS MY NAME
I woke up to the most beautiful morning today.Its not Sunday, but if that song were written about a particular Sunday, then that Sunday would look a hell of a lot like today does. Something about rainy weather just makes me feel so blissfully happy...I've said this before..Its the feeling that the world has suddenly dropped its expectations of you..Atleast for a day.There's a peace, and a feeling of I can do what I want and it may not be perfect but thats ok, in the air.
I always want to write in this weather, even if I never have anything particularly different to say.I have to be back to class on Monday, which in the tiny scheme of things, kind of sucks..But the broader picture is much nicer..I get to see a lot of people whom I love, some people that I dont particularly like, and more than anything, I get to move on with my life I guess.. Thats what really matters..I am going somewhere when I'm in college, even if it doesnt seem that way, time is moving me forward to the next big thing, and i guess its a nice feeling.
So much of what I do is done with an eye on the future, where will I be four years from now I ask myself, what will I do then, who will I know,who will I leave behind, will it be the way I want it to be?
These are pretty scary things to think about, which is why for the most part I shove them out of my head, and go on the assumption that whatever happens, I'll be fine...I hope..heh heh.
Ah this weather, its happy and sad all at once, and sometimes its too much effort to do anything but sit around and think, as the grey clouds swirl around outside my window..I'm not going to be here forever.The wind cries Mary, and the rain calls my name.
I always want to write in this weather, even if I never have anything particularly different to say.I have to be back to class on Monday, which in the tiny scheme of things, kind of sucks..But the broader picture is much nicer..I get to see a lot of people whom I love, some people that I dont particularly like, and more than anything, I get to move on with my life I guess.. Thats what really matters..I am going somewhere when I'm in college, even if it doesnt seem that way, time is moving me forward to the next big thing, and i guess its a nice feeling.
So much of what I do is done with an eye on the future, where will I be four years from now I ask myself, what will I do then, who will I know,who will I leave behind, will it be the way I want it to be?
These are pretty scary things to think about, which is why for the most part I shove them out of my head, and go on the assumption that whatever happens, I'll be fine...I hope..heh heh.
Ah this weather, its happy and sad all at once, and sometimes its too much effort to do anything but sit around and think, as the grey clouds swirl around outside my window..I'm not going to be here forever.The wind cries Mary, and the rain calls my name.
Sunday, April 10, 2005
King Of The Road
It all calms down after a while.Your life settles into a nice little routine and all the bumps and vagaries become an expected part of the journey. Its just that once in a while you hit a really rough patch and you feel like lurching to a stop....Ok I'll stop with all the metaphors...Pah..these metaphors you can just ge so carried away with them.
Its a good way to annoy people around you, so I've found. Heh heh.
This whole life is so strange man.What is it? Why am I here? Where am I going? Is there any real point do what I'm doing?And do the people I meet along the way matter at all in the big scheme of things?At any given point in your life you have these important people around you, and they're the ones that make you who you are, make your life meaningful and make you get up each day..But the thing is, the people around you keep changing, so then what makes them special? People move in and out of your life, and friendships out of neccessity become friendships out of desire, and I think the people who end up mattering are the ones who you never needed, or who you'll always need.
Its a little complicated...Thats your road, there are hitchhikers and there are fellow travellers( heh heh the annoying metaphor strikes again)
But ulitmately when it all settles into a little routine nothing seems too hard to deal with, because you know that you're just sort of heading towards some place, and no matter what you do time will take you there so , everything that happens along the way cant really alter your course. So i guess there's a sort of comfort that you can derive from that fact...And for all the rest that happens, you just learn to deal with it.
Its almost been a year, I cant quite believe how fast time has gone..Life is too short sometimes...It drags in all the wrong places.Stupid life.Oh well what the hell, I'm King of the road now, so who cares..Or maybe Queen...Some royalty.
Its a good way to annoy people around you, so I've found. Heh heh.
This whole life is so strange man.What is it? Why am I here? Where am I going? Is there any real point do what I'm doing?And do the people I meet along the way matter at all in the big scheme of things?At any given point in your life you have these important people around you, and they're the ones that make you who you are, make your life meaningful and make you get up each day..But the thing is, the people around you keep changing, so then what makes them special? People move in and out of your life, and friendships out of neccessity become friendships out of desire, and I think the people who end up mattering are the ones who you never needed, or who you'll always need.
Its a little complicated...Thats your road, there are hitchhikers and there are fellow travellers( heh heh the annoying metaphor strikes again)
But ulitmately when it all settles into a little routine nothing seems too hard to deal with, because you know that you're just sort of heading towards some place, and no matter what you do time will take you there so , everything that happens along the way cant really alter your course. So i guess there's a sort of comfort that you can derive from that fact...And for all the rest that happens, you just learn to deal with it.
Its almost been a year, I cant quite believe how fast time has gone..Life is too short sometimes...It drags in all the wrong places.Stupid life.Oh well what the hell, I'm King of the road now, so who cares..Or maybe Queen...Some royalty.
Monday, April 04, 2005
Life, The Universe and Everything
The world enters you, it overwhelms you, it beats you down and it enters you...But it never quite manages to fill you up.
Everything you imagine, everything you lust after, everything you touch or see...remains hopelessly out of your grasp...You can be lying on your back on a steaming hot basketball court, thats baked in the summer sun all day, and you'll smell the concrete and look up the most fantastic night sky, that expands before your very eyes...and still be aware of that emptiness...I never feel filled up by the world, I feel filled up in the company of the people I love.
I get full on the feeling that I love them and they love me, and the world is how its meant to be...(Hey that rhymes) and its scary because on some level it means that I'll never be happy just on my own...or atleast i dont think I'm capable of it...however much I might desire it...Wow...An epiphany.
I guess its one of the great irony's of my life( the other being that I love sports but can't run to save my life...or maybe ONLY to save my life) that people are the only ones that have any bearing on how I'm feeling...and how they make me feel so good about myself and my life...and how they become the reason I want to pick up my stuff and leave...and how its usually the same set of people thats involved in both cases.
The people that mean something to me I guess...
They're all thats ever mattered to me...To the point where I actively avoid the company of other people...for no fault of their own other than the fact that they arent my closest friends...How anti social of me...Its quite sick really...heh heh.
I just find that as I get older, I can only stand to be constantly around so many people, and I just cant invest in other relationships with new people..Just because it becomes too much of a strain trying to incorprorate everybody's needs into my life...So I limit the number of people who's needs I have to incorporate and just smile and make cheerful meaningless conversation with the rest of the world.
Its hard to acknowledge the fact that you'll always need people because that means that you constantly have to be careful because you just migt hurt someone you really care about..sigh
Very interesting...I should think about this some more.
In the meantime...I had a highly exhausting day, I had six classes today as opposed to four and it was two Contracts and THREE Family laws and one Sociology ( during which time I was reading ofcourse)...and its generally been very hot, and sweaty and I have exams at the end of the month..and bleagh....in general...
and right then..I get a message from someone who's in New York right now, tell me how they're just waking up to a fabulous view of the Chrysler building in the rain from their window on the 38th floor..and how it so beautiful etc etc...and I just felt like climbing to the top of the library and throwing myself off it...Argh argh argh...Kill kill kill....I cannot WAIT for vacation time...Sigh...Oh well at the very least I have a couple of nice books to read and only 33 days counting today (which is almost over) till I'm done...So...thank god for small favours.....
Life, the universe and everything....Sometimes its more than I can handle.
Everything you imagine, everything you lust after, everything you touch or see...remains hopelessly out of your grasp...You can be lying on your back on a steaming hot basketball court, thats baked in the summer sun all day, and you'll smell the concrete and look up the most fantastic night sky, that expands before your very eyes...and still be aware of that emptiness...I never feel filled up by the world, I feel filled up in the company of the people I love.
I get full on the feeling that I love them and they love me, and the world is how its meant to be...(Hey that rhymes) and its scary because on some level it means that I'll never be happy just on my own...or atleast i dont think I'm capable of it...however much I might desire it...Wow...An epiphany.
I guess its one of the great irony's of my life( the other being that I love sports but can't run to save my life...or maybe ONLY to save my life) that people are the only ones that have any bearing on how I'm feeling...and how they make me feel so good about myself and my life...and how they become the reason I want to pick up my stuff and leave...and how its usually the same set of people thats involved in both cases.
The people that mean something to me I guess...
They're all thats ever mattered to me...To the point where I actively avoid the company of other people...for no fault of their own other than the fact that they arent my closest friends...How anti social of me...Its quite sick really...heh heh.
I just find that as I get older, I can only stand to be constantly around so many people, and I just cant invest in other relationships with new people..Just because it becomes too much of a strain trying to incorprorate everybody's needs into my life...So I limit the number of people who's needs I have to incorporate and just smile and make cheerful meaningless conversation with the rest of the world.
Its hard to acknowledge the fact that you'll always need people because that means that you constantly have to be careful because you just migt hurt someone you really care about..sigh
Very interesting...I should think about this some more.
In the meantime...I had a highly exhausting day, I had six classes today as opposed to four and it was two Contracts and THREE Family laws and one Sociology ( during which time I was reading ofcourse)...and its generally been very hot, and sweaty and I have exams at the end of the month..and bleagh....in general...
and right then..I get a message from someone who's in New York right now, tell me how they're just waking up to a fabulous view of the Chrysler building in the rain from their window on the 38th floor..and how it so beautiful etc etc...and I just felt like climbing to the top of the library and throwing myself off it...Argh argh argh...Kill kill kill....I cannot WAIT for vacation time...Sigh...Oh well at the very least I have a couple of nice books to read and only 33 days counting today (which is almost over) till I'm done...So...thank god for small favours.....
Life, the universe and everything....Sometimes its more than I can handle.
Sunday, March 27, 2005
How Does It Feel?
To be on your own? Direction unknown?Like a Rollin Stone.
Thats what I feel like.
Except for the fact that I know which direction I WANT to be rolling in. Dangnabbit mounds of grass! Billions of Blue Blistering Barnacles!Oh well...I'll get there...I know I will...Its one of those things that you just know will happen, or that I want to happen so badly that somehow it just WILL happen.
Like getting into Law school...I knew I would, I just didnt see any other alternative to the life I'd planned out in my head...Sometimes life doesnt take you where you're supposed to go, and the plan DOESNt go according to plan, but sometimes..i just HAS to, so it does.
Or atleast thats the reassurance I give myself.
Thats what I feel like.
Except for the fact that I know which direction I WANT to be rolling in. Dangnabbit mounds of grass! Billions of Blue Blistering Barnacles!Oh well...I'll get there...I know I will...Its one of those things that you just know will happen, or that I want to happen so badly that somehow it just WILL happen.
Like getting into Law school...I knew I would, I just didnt see any other alternative to the life I'd planned out in my head...Sometimes life doesnt take you where you're supposed to go, and the plan DOESNt go according to plan, but sometimes..i just HAS to, so it does.
Or atleast thats the reassurance I give myself.
Thursday, March 24, 2005
Complicated
Wow....its been a phenomenally long time since I last felt the need to post something here....Can be attributed to sheer laziness, I think.Actually, I did write something in the middle and then I never put it up...or something like that...anyway, never mind, who cares...Now that I'm here, I shall write for a a while...
One thing I've come to understand about myself, is that I HATE complications...life should just be plain and simple, words should just be easy to understand, speech shouldnt sound like a thesaurus and for god's sake idea's shouldnt be over complicated.
I know that I'm a big hypocrite in this respect because when I right, it usually ends up sounding much more complicated than I ever intended..but then again, its my blog, I'll do what I want....Heh heh...I love this thing.
I wonder why I stopped writing in it.
Another thing I've realised about myself is that essentially, I'm a doormat...Its a very starnge reality to face, and not very easy to deal with...I let people just walk all over me, wipe their muddy ideas on my face, and rub their bad moods on my body....I dont know WHY I let it happen, but I just do.And then when I suddenly realuse what I'm doing, I've kept so much of it bottled up, that some not so big thing someone does will cause me to just blow up and yell at them for no reason....and then ofcourse I feel terrible about it, and about myself.....sigh....life is so muddled.
I wonder why contentment is so hard to get.Why is it that people spend so much of their time desiring one thing, and then when they get it, it no longer pleases them, or if it does, then something else starts to bug them?Why?Why does it have to be like that?Why can't everyone just be happy all the time?
Why cant people just get whatever they ask for, and why do we have to constantly depend on other people to make us feel good?What is that man?
I never used to be like that...I used to get along just fine, but these days I find myself just clinging to people around me for reassurance, for comfort, for company...and its not really a good thing.
I hate it, and I hate who I've become...and thats a sad reality to face....Oh well, things could be a lot worse I guess.I shall stop complaining now.
One thing I've come to understand about myself, is that I HATE complications...life should just be plain and simple, words should just be easy to understand, speech shouldnt sound like a thesaurus and for god's sake idea's shouldnt be over complicated.
I know that I'm a big hypocrite in this respect because when I right, it usually ends up sounding much more complicated than I ever intended..but then again, its my blog, I'll do what I want....Heh heh...I love this thing.
I wonder why I stopped writing in it.
Another thing I've realised about myself is that essentially, I'm a doormat...Its a very starnge reality to face, and not very easy to deal with...I let people just walk all over me, wipe their muddy ideas on my face, and rub their bad moods on my body....I dont know WHY I let it happen, but I just do.And then when I suddenly realuse what I'm doing, I've kept so much of it bottled up, that some not so big thing someone does will cause me to just blow up and yell at them for no reason....and then ofcourse I feel terrible about it, and about myself.....sigh....life is so muddled.
I wonder why contentment is so hard to get.Why is it that people spend so much of their time desiring one thing, and then when they get it, it no longer pleases them, or if it does, then something else starts to bug them?Why?Why does it have to be like that?Why can't everyone just be happy all the time?
Why cant people just get whatever they ask for, and why do we have to constantly depend on other people to make us feel good?What is that man?
I never used to be like that...I used to get along just fine, but these days I find myself just clinging to people around me for reassurance, for comfort, for company...and its not really a good thing.
I hate it, and I hate who I've become...and thats a sad reality to face....Oh well, things could be a lot worse I guess.I shall stop complaining now.
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