Life, The Universe and Everything

The world enters you, it overwhelms you, it beats you down and it enters you...But it never quite manages to fill you up.
Everything you imagine, everything you lust after, everything you touch or see...remains hopelessly out of your grasp...You can be lying on your back on a steaming hot basketball court, thats baked in the summer sun all day, and you'll smell the concrete and look up the most fantastic night sky, that expands before your very eyes...and still be aware of that emptiness...I never feel filled up by the world, I feel filled up in the company of the people I love.
I get full on the feeling that I love them and they love me, and the world is how its meant to be...(Hey that rhymes) and its scary because on some level it means that I'll never be happy just on my own...or atleast i dont think I'm capable of it...however much I might desire it...Wow...An epiphany.
I guess its one of the great irony's of my life( the other being that I love sports but can't run to save my life...or maybe ONLY to save my life) that people are the only ones that have any bearing on how I'm feeling...and how they make me feel so good about myself and my life...and how they become the reason I want to pick up my stuff and leave...and how its usually the same set of people thats involved in both cases.
The people that mean something to me I guess...
They're all thats ever mattered to me...To the point where I actively avoid the company of other people...for no fault of their own other than the fact that they arent my closest friends...How anti social of me...Its quite sick really...heh heh.
I just find that as I get older, I can only stand to be constantly around so many people, and I just cant invest in other relationships with new people..Just because it becomes too much of a strain trying to incorprorate everybody's needs into my life...So I limit the number of people who's needs I have to incorporate and just smile and make cheerful meaningless conversation with the rest of the world.
Its hard to acknowledge the fact that you'll always need people because that means that you constantly have to be careful because you just migt hurt someone you really care about..sigh
Very interesting...I should think about this some more.
In the meantime...I had a highly exhausting day, I had six classes today as opposed to four and it was two Contracts and THREE Family laws and one Sociology ( during which time I was reading ofcourse)...and its generally been very hot, and sweaty and I have exams at the end of the month..and bleagh....in general...
and right then..I get a message from someone who's in New York right now, tell me how they're just waking up to a fabulous view of the Chrysler building in the rain from their window on the 38th floor..and how it so beautiful etc etc...and I just felt like climbing to the top of the library and throwing myself off it...Argh argh argh...Kill kill kill....I cannot WAIT for vacation time...Sigh...Oh well at the very least I have a couple of nice books to read and only 33 days counting today (which is almost over) till I'm done...So...thank god for small favours.....
Life, the universe and everything....Sometimes its more than I can handle.