Too much distance
Sigh
To blow up and start again?
I don't know.
I half want to.
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Thursday, November 22, 2007
Full Circle and Out of the Loop
For me, last night was surreal.
I found myself staring at the saddest face I had seen in a long time. I looked out the window of the car and saw a bride with her eyes downcast and sorrowful being driven to her wedding, there was a man on a white horse riding next to her, probably going to the same place.
We got to the park, and as I walked in, I could see the mist curling out in front of me, and the wisps of my breath mingling into it. I've never felt as disconnected from everything I knew as I did then. The thought of my life made me nauseous. But everything else around me was so perfect and irrevocably beautiful. It was like being stuck between the abyss and freedom, except that there's a big, cracked glass wall between you and every fucking thing that you want.
I walked and walked and walked, and with every step I took, I thought about everything that my life has been for the last three years, every lie I told the world but tortured myself with secretly, every time I cried and cried and cried and thought that I wouldn't stop, every time I felt like I had been hit in the stomach with a pole.
Why does life get so messy? Why do people willfully make themselves sad?
We stopped by the lake, and sat down on the edge of it, staring at the reflection of the trees, I wonder what it'd be like to fall into a lake and discover another world. Last night it really looked possible. I'm sure someone somewhere has written a book about it. I told my most convincing ghost stories, feeling pleased with myself, and pretending that my spine wasn't secretly tingling with nervousness.
Every time I think about what happened, I think that it was a form of punishment that I must have deserved for something horrible I did in a previous life. I think the higher powers looked down on me and said, So you think you're a good person now? Its not so easy. We're going to make you hurt and only then will you learn.
I feel like I've been chased by a tidal wave for the last 7 years of my life, just with different players. I feel like I ran until I had nothing left, like I was a sand person, and each time the water came close, it washed a little more of me away.
We rounded a corner, I saw a lamp that was dying out, and I was trying discreetly to pretend that I didn't notice couples kissing all around me. Stupid intruder, I was, I felt like I should go to all of them and say sorry. Heh heh. We stopped to inspect all the really old buildings, of course I was too chicken to go inside, what if something wicked was lurking quietly in the shadows. My life may seem like a train wreck, but I'd still like the chance to fix it. I don't want to be tomorrow's headline. We decided to ditch the roads and walk on the grass.
So what's happening with me now? Am I Ok? To be honest, its too late in the evening to know for sure. I wanted to scream and cry and run away from everything and start my life all over again. I felt real rage. I can't do this. There isn't going to be anything left of me in the end. Nothing can be worth that much. Except that one real shot at eternity. And that's what I have. So I am on a course that is going to head me straight into the heart of the sun, and potentially I will die before I get there.
I really don't know what else to do.
We walked out of the park, random snatches of conversation popped into my head, as we sat in the car, I looked out again, and saw the wedding party. The horse had discharged it's groom bearing duty, and was pacing nervously in the corner wondering when it'd have to make the no doubt terrifying journey back into rush hour traffic. The married couple were being surrounded by a crowd of adoring relatives, and even though I tried I couldn't catch a glimpse of the bride's face. Maybe she's feeling cheerful now, maybe her husband is outrageously good looking, and maybe they're going to be very happy, have two children, live in a nice house and worry vaguely about global warming.
Am I actually going to get rid of this feeling? Is it actually dissipating? Is this the final catharsis?It's a black nighttime world with lonely people living lonely lives, not realising that the people that are standing right next to them on the road are dealing with the exact same things that they are. Everyone is lonely together I guess. So, have I gotten it all out of my system? It feels so strange, I've grown with this feeling, it's coloured every aspect of who I am. After all these years of sordid friendship, it wouldn't leave me in the lurch now would it?
We got into the house. I smoked a cigar for the very first time in my life. A complete and total let down it was, totally not worth a second try. And I sat there with three of my favourite people, and suddenly it all got better. I laughed and ate and made small pointless conversation and felt quite pleased with myself, for the second time in the evening. I think I spend most of my time feeling either completely disgusted with myself or completely satisfied with my behaviour. There doesn't seem to be a middle path for me.
I am saying goodbye to an old friend, I am telling him to go away and not come back for a while. I am saying, I love you, but get lost, I am saying, you were great in every possible way, but fuck off.
I drove in a big circle today, I saw the beginning and end of a wedding, walked all the way around a park, started at the very first day of the most painful years of my life and walked through them all till the present, where I really feel that a circumference is closing in, and I'm stepping out of it. Into another one, no doubt, but lets see where this one goes.
Last night I saw the saddest face I had ever seen, I looked it in it's fungus eye and told it to take a deep breath and stop crying.
I found myself staring at the saddest face I had seen in a long time. I looked out the window of the car and saw a bride with her eyes downcast and sorrowful being driven to her wedding, there was a man on a white horse riding next to her, probably going to the same place.
We got to the park, and as I walked in, I could see the mist curling out in front of me, and the wisps of my breath mingling into it. I've never felt as disconnected from everything I knew as I did then. The thought of my life made me nauseous. But everything else around me was so perfect and irrevocably beautiful. It was like being stuck between the abyss and freedom, except that there's a big, cracked glass wall between you and every fucking thing that you want.
I walked and walked and walked, and with every step I took, I thought about everything that my life has been for the last three years, every lie I told the world but tortured myself with secretly, every time I cried and cried and cried and thought that I wouldn't stop, every time I felt like I had been hit in the stomach with a pole.
Why does life get so messy? Why do people willfully make themselves sad?
We stopped by the lake, and sat down on the edge of it, staring at the reflection of the trees, I wonder what it'd be like to fall into a lake and discover another world. Last night it really looked possible. I'm sure someone somewhere has written a book about it. I told my most convincing ghost stories, feeling pleased with myself, and pretending that my spine wasn't secretly tingling with nervousness.
Every time I think about what happened, I think that it was a form of punishment that I must have deserved for something horrible I did in a previous life. I think the higher powers looked down on me and said, So you think you're a good person now? Its not so easy. We're going to make you hurt and only then will you learn.
I feel like I've been chased by a tidal wave for the last 7 years of my life, just with different players. I feel like I ran until I had nothing left, like I was a sand person, and each time the water came close, it washed a little more of me away.
We rounded a corner, I saw a lamp that was dying out, and I was trying discreetly to pretend that I didn't notice couples kissing all around me. Stupid intruder, I was, I felt like I should go to all of them and say sorry. Heh heh. We stopped to inspect all the really old buildings, of course I was too chicken to go inside, what if something wicked was lurking quietly in the shadows. My life may seem like a train wreck, but I'd still like the chance to fix it. I don't want to be tomorrow's headline. We decided to ditch the roads and walk on the grass.
So what's happening with me now? Am I Ok? To be honest, its too late in the evening to know for sure. I wanted to scream and cry and run away from everything and start my life all over again. I felt real rage. I can't do this. There isn't going to be anything left of me in the end. Nothing can be worth that much. Except that one real shot at eternity. And that's what I have. So I am on a course that is going to head me straight into the heart of the sun, and potentially I will die before I get there.
I really don't know what else to do.
We walked out of the park, random snatches of conversation popped into my head, as we sat in the car, I looked out again, and saw the wedding party. The horse had discharged it's groom bearing duty, and was pacing nervously in the corner wondering when it'd have to make the no doubt terrifying journey back into rush hour traffic. The married couple were being surrounded by a crowd of adoring relatives, and even though I tried I couldn't catch a glimpse of the bride's face. Maybe she's feeling cheerful now, maybe her husband is outrageously good looking, and maybe they're going to be very happy, have two children, live in a nice house and worry vaguely about global warming.
Am I actually going to get rid of this feeling? Is it actually dissipating? Is this the final catharsis?It's a black nighttime world with lonely people living lonely lives, not realising that the people that are standing right next to them on the road are dealing with the exact same things that they are. Everyone is lonely together I guess. So, have I gotten it all out of my system? It feels so strange, I've grown with this feeling, it's coloured every aspect of who I am. After all these years of sordid friendship, it wouldn't leave me in the lurch now would it?
We got into the house. I smoked a cigar for the very first time in my life. A complete and total let down it was, totally not worth a second try. And I sat there with three of my favourite people, and suddenly it all got better. I laughed and ate and made small pointless conversation and felt quite pleased with myself, for the second time in the evening. I think I spend most of my time feeling either completely disgusted with myself or completely satisfied with my behaviour. There doesn't seem to be a middle path for me.
I am saying goodbye to an old friend, I am telling him to go away and not come back for a while. I am saying, I love you, but get lost, I am saying, you were great in every possible way, but fuck off.
I drove in a big circle today, I saw the beginning and end of a wedding, walked all the way around a park, started at the very first day of the most painful years of my life and walked through them all till the present, where I really feel that a circumference is closing in, and I'm stepping out of it. Into another one, no doubt, but lets see where this one goes.
Last night I saw the saddest face I had ever seen, I looked it in it's fungus eye and told it to take a deep breath and stop crying.
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