I have never wanted to be in a particular place at a given time as badly as I do right now.
I love the rain swept terrace and midnight storms.
I love lolla. I love talking about PABs.
I love playing football, I love watching our football players.
I love thinking about what was, and what could have been.
I love wednesday Biryani.
I love it when Shankar is around.
I love mellow evenings and vela bahaar.
I love the maggie that Blackie cooks for me.
I love chatting with the person next door to me through the wall.
I love sneaking into BH1.
I love trying to look nice in the morning.
I love not knowing what is going to happen next.
I love trying and failing to run to Shameerpet every day.
I love water fights and Apdi Podu.
I love stockpiling during prohibition.
I love the fights, the accusations and the controversies.
I love not caring, while acknowledging how much I love and need it all.
I love my life. And I will not stop being grateful. (and I am counting the days till Sunday)
Boom De Yada!
Tuesday, April 07, 2009
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
25 Things About Me
1. I am a terribly insecure person.I know the kind of person I want to be, but constantly see myself falling short.
2. I am very very scared of being alone, but have written off humanity as being able to provide an antidote.
3. I really hate toe nails that are even slightly long, and trim mine once a week.
4. All my best friends are people who never judge me, or if they do, they do it quietly and where I can't hear them and I really appreciate it.
5. I firmly believe in second chances and can be very smug about how forgiving I am.
6. When I was a kid my parents lied to me and told me that the only channel on TV was public broadcasting and if I pressed any other button on the remote the TV would explode.
7. I thought my father was actually a Magician till I was 8.
8. I will always love my grandfather, wish he was around and feel cheated by the fact that he's not.
9. I never take anyone else's opinion on music and believe that my judgement is perfect.
10. I've always wished I could dance and be athletic.
11. I hate it when people interrupt me when I'm reading anything. Even a note.
12. I worry that I will never have a flat stomach.
13. I wish that my hair would set itself automatically every day, but because it doesn't I choose not to comb it.
14. I was easily bullied as a child and am still proud that I have grown out of it.
15. I can't walk straight, I always bang into whoever is walking beside me.
16. I do not like most fruits, because I think they're undependable and might always be squishy and disgusting on the inside. I also do not like ice cream.
17. I use clothes and food to get myself out of a bad mood all the time.
18. I love to swim but am very very scared of the sea and big waves or fast moving water.
19. I detest being told what to do and nine times out of ten will do the exact opposite just because someone has told me to do something.
20. I really like people. It gives me a kick to get to know new people, especially those whom I think I will have nothing in common with or whom most people do not seem to be fond of.
21. I am very proud of my sense of humour despite being repeatedly told that I do not have one.
22. I over analyze situations.
23. I always wish I had a sibling because siblings always have this cool 'family secrets' and 'inside jokes' thing happening that I wish I could have.
24. My spellings are really horrendous. I could not spell medieval till I was 18.
25. I once got into a bad accident, and was most worried that above all things I might die a virgin.
2. I am very very scared of being alone, but have written off humanity as being able to provide an antidote.
3. I really hate toe nails that are even slightly long, and trim mine once a week.
4. All my best friends are people who never judge me, or if they do, they do it quietly and where I can't hear them and I really appreciate it.
5. I firmly believe in second chances and can be very smug about how forgiving I am.
6. When I was a kid my parents lied to me and told me that the only channel on TV was public broadcasting and if I pressed any other button on the remote the TV would explode.
7. I thought my father was actually a Magician till I was 8.
8. I will always love my grandfather, wish he was around and feel cheated by the fact that he's not.
9. I never take anyone else's opinion on music and believe that my judgement is perfect.
10. I've always wished I could dance and be athletic.
11. I hate it when people interrupt me when I'm reading anything. Even a note.
12. I worry that I will never have a flat stomach.
13. I wish that my hair would set itself automatically every day, but because it doesn't I choose not to comb it.
14. I was easily bullied as a child and am still proud that I have grown out of it.
15. I can't walk straight, I always bang into whoever is walking beside me.
16. I do not like most fruits, because I think they're undependable and might always be squishy and disgusting on the inside. I also do not like ice cream.
17. I use clothes and food to get myself out of a bad mood all the time.
18. I love to swim but am very very scared of the sea and big waves or fast moving water.
19. I detest being told what to do and nine times out of ten will do the exact opposite just because someone has told me to do something.
20. I really like people. It gives me a kick to get to know new people, especially those whom I think I will have nothing in common with or whom most people do not seem to be fond of.
21. I am very proud of my sense of humour despite being repeatedly told that I do not have one.
22. I over analyze situations.
23. I always wish I had a sibling because siblings always have this cool 'family secrets' and 'inside jokes' thing happening that I wish I could have.
24. My spellings are really horrendous. I could not spell medieval till I was 18.
25. I once got into a bad accident, and was most worried that above all things I might die a virgin.
Saturday, February 07, 2009
On a cold and foggy morning,
The man Jack makes his fern tapestries on the glass
Swirling leaves do a flamenco, carry my head with them.
And I wonder why I'm even awake.
I look out on a cold and foggy morning,
And some desire causes me to reach for this device,
to maybe write a symphony to this beautiful painting, framed so nicely by my window.
But there are no words really, just a vague feeling that there is something to say.
The man Jack makes his fern tapestries on the glass
Swirling leaves do a flamenco, carry my head with them.
And I wonder why I'm even awake.
I look out on a cold and foggy morning,
And some desire causes me to reach for this device,
to maybe write a symphony to this beautiful painting, framed so nicely by my window.
But there are no words really, just a vague feeling that there is something to say.
Friday, January 23, 2009
This Old Song
When I turn back the pages on this crazy dream
I see faces and smiles and tears wrapped in a velvet curtain of me.
I remember the rainy days and the sunshine, I remember the big storm and the single candle that burned through it all.
I remember our shadows playing on the road, I remember fields of stars that stretched to forever.
On a lonely night I remember that you're gone, and that there's emptiness in all that was familiar.
I see clenched fists and diamond lakes and tapestries in the sky, wrapped in a curling smoke of me.
And when I walk away, I'll know it all came down to me. I'll take you with me where ever I go, I promise.
But nothing will ever be as beautiful.
I see faces and smiles and tears wrapped in a velvet curtain of me.
I remember the rainy days and the sunshine, I remember the big storm and the single candle that burned through it all.
I remember our shadows playing on the road, I remember fields of stars that stretched to forever.
On a lonely night I remember that you're gone, and that there's emptiness in all that was familiar.
I see clenched fists and diamond lakes and tapestries in the sky, wrapped in a curling smoke of me.
And when I walk away, I'll know it all came down to me. I'll take you with me where ever I go, I promise.
But nothing will ever be as beautiful.
Friday, November 28, 2008
Cry, My Beloved Country, Cry.
Today has been a bad day. Everyone in India knows why.
In the past whenever there has been cause for many people to die or suffer, I have watched the news and thought to myself, 'Oh fuck. That's really bad.' , and I have gone to bed that night feeling extremely self righteous.
'I'm not one of those people who thinks that they should all be murdered. I know that most of them have been indoctrinated as children, that many of them have seen horrible violence perpetrated against their families.'
I'm a real liberal, I tell myself. I believe in the goodness of humanity.
Last night when I heard about the attack on Leopold, (not just the Taj or the Trident or Nariman Point, or the many many other places) my mind raced to the times I have been there. To my friends and family who are all in Bombay right now. To the fact that it is so extremely probable that they or someone like me could have been there yesterday.
And I knew hatred. 'How dare they creep towards my loved ones? How dare they harm anybody that I care about?'
I'm a real hypocrite. A number one asshole.
I can only hold my head in shame. For the country that we have created, for the hurt that we have wrought upon ourselves. For every person who wants revenge, for every person that is taught to hate. For the untruth deep in my own heart and the deceit in my soul.
There is nothing to do but cry.
I hope everyone is safe tonight.
In the past whenever there has been cause for many people to die or suffer, I have watched the news and thought to myself, 'Oh fuck. That's really bad.' , and I have gone to bed that night feeling extremely self righteous.
'I'm not one of those people who thinks that they should all be murdered. I know that most of them have been indoctrinated as children, that many of them have seen horrible violence perpetrated against their families.'
I'm a real liberal, I tell myself. I believe in the goodness of humanity.
Last night when I heard about the attack on Leopold, (not just the Taj or the Trident or Nariman Point, or the many many other places) my mind raced to the times I have been there. To my friends and family who are all in Bombay right now. To the fact that it is so extremely probable that they or someone like me could have been there yesterday.
And I knew hatred. 'How dare they creep towards my loved ones? How dare they harm anybody that I care about?'
I'm a real hypocrite. A number one asshole.
I can only hold my head in shame. For the country that we have created, for the hurt that we have wrought upon ourselves. For every person who wants revenge, for every person that is taught to hate. For the untruth deep in my own heart and the deceit in my soul.
There is nothing to do but cry.
I hope everyone is safe tonight.
Wednesday, November 05, 2008
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Russian Roulette
A change in the weather, a cloudy day
Was all I ever gave away.
Anyway we only played for small change.
A killer smile, was all it took
Lord himself couldn't pass up that look.
Anyway you only smiled like that once.
Walk with me, was all you'd say
Like I could have turned away.
Anyway it was never about me.
So we're standing on the railway line
You'll go your way and I'll go mine.
Mostly, anyway.
And when this game is played right through
And there's nothing left for me and you
I'll look at you and then I'll say,
Should have saved your poker face for another day.
Was all I ever gave away.
Anyway we only played for small change.
A killer smile, was all it took
Lord himself couldn't pass up that look.
Anyway you only smiled like that once.
Walk with me, was all you'd say
Like I could have turned away.
Anyway it was never about me.
So we're standing on the railway line
You'll go your way and I'll go mine.
Mostly, anyway.
And when this game is played right through
And there's nothing left for me and you
I'll look at you and then I'll say,
Should have saved your poker face for another day.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
The Third Verse to a Better Song
The hills reflect a dappled moon, the band strikes up a forgetful tune.
And I blow a kiss from me to you, a deeper shade of another blue.
Melody to silence a scream, a song to quench an impossible dream.
So I sing myself a lullaby
I really have no tears to cry.
And I blow a kiss from me to you, a deeper shade of another blue.
Melody to silence a scream, a song to quench an impossible dream.
So I sing myself a lullaby
I really have no tears to cry.
Friday, September 12, 2008
Heartbeats
Tonight I will paint my masterpiece
and rival the night's canvas.
Tonight I will feel the emptiness of ghosts
and find a forgetful redemption.
Tonight I will walk into forever
and play your symphony in my head.
Tonight I listen to heartbeats
and wish your face away.
and rival the night's canvas.
Tonight I will feel the emptiness of ghosts
and find a forgetful redemption.
Tonight I will walk into forever
and play your symphony in my head.
Tonight I listen to heartbeats
and wish your face away.
Tuesday, August 05, 2008
The Greatest Gift
Immerse your mind in a sea of time,
Pick the words out from the rhyme
Paint a picture of the past.
Grasp at tiny flecks of sand,
Filtering formless down your hand
Hope for stasis.
Watch the smoke curl through your hair,
Fleeting poetry in the air
Wish away the day.
But I have loved all this random play.
Finding you, losing my way.
I sit and watch the clouds go by.
I'm still waiting for that gig in the sky.
Pick the words out from the rhyme
Paint a picture of the past.
Grasp at tiny flecks of sand,
Filtering formless down your hand
Hope for stasis.
Watch the smoke curl through your hair,
Fleeting poetry in the air
Wish away the day.
But I have loved all this random play.
Finding you, losing my way.
I sit and watch the clouds go by.
I'm still waiting for that gig in the sky.
Saturday, July 26, 2008
Saturday, July 19, 2008
A whine.
I can't. I can't do this anymore.
I won't.
This can't be only way to feel.
This can't. This can't be the only way.
Help me.
Someone.
You're out there, I know it.
Just show me the road.
And I will fucking walk it. I will fucking walk it the whole way.
I will never look back.
My head will look straight and my body will obey.
This will not happen to me again.
I won't.
This can't be only way to feel.
This can't. This can't be the only way.
Help me.
Someone.
You're out there, I know it.
Just show me the road.
And I will fucking walk it. I will fucking walk it the whole way.
I will never look back.
My head will look straight and my body will obey.
This will not happen to me again.
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
On My Mind
Sometimes I feel super.
Sometimes I feel like everything that happens to me is poetry.
Sometimes I feel like no matter what someone far out on the surface is getting hurt, not me.
Sometimes things are so perfect that even if a speck of dust shifted it wouldn't be as great.
Sometimes I feel like I can't breathe any more, and I have to run.
Sometimes I talk too much and I feel full and surrounded.
Sometimes loneliness comes crawling to me in the dark and emptiness fills everything.
But I think that if I actually found my way I'd cry myself to death.
So I'm glad I have you.
Sometimes I feel like everything that happens to me is poetry.
Sometimes I feel like no matter what someone far out on the surface is getting hurt, not me.
Sometimes things are so perfect that even if a speck of dust shifted it wouldn't be as great.
Sometimes I feel like I can't breathe any more, and I have to run.
Sometimes I talk too much and I feel full and surrounded.
Sometimes loneliness comes crawling to me in the dark and emptiness fills everything.
But I think that if I actually found my way I'd cry myself to death.
So I'm glad I have you.
Thursday, April 24, 2008
I Shall Be Released
There's only so much a song can do
But I know that there's something wrong
When a song is the only thing that does it for me.
Any day now, any day now...
But I know that there's something wrong
When a song is the only thing that does it for me.
Any day now, any day now...
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Simple Rules
I wish I could unscrew the top of my head and paint my thoughts across the wall.
And then maybe I could change the shape of things in my mind.
I wish I could drip a little blood out
And the maybe I could change the things my heart beats for.
It should be that easy.
And then maybe I could change the shape of things in my mind.
I wish I could drip a little blood out
And the maybe I could change the things my heart beats for.
It should be that easy.
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Soliloquy
A dark night
A starry field
And me chasing your silhouette,
Not wanting to think about tomorrow.
A sunset strip
A rock to sit for a spell
And us wasting our lives away,
Waiting for it to rain.
An old tune
An eternity of sky
And you being with me
Not wanting to leave.
A starry field
And me chasing your silhouette,
Not wanting to think about tomorrow.
A sunset strip
A rock to sit for a spell
And us wasting our lives away,
Waiting for it to rain.
An old tune
An eternity of sky
And you being with me
Not wanting to leave.
Monday, December 17, 2007
Saturday, December 08, 2007
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Thursday, November 22, 2007
Full Circle and Out of the Loop
For me, last night was surreal.
I found myself staring at the saddest face I had seen in a long time. I looked out the window of the car and saw a bride with her eyes downcast and sorrowful being driven to her wedding, there was a man on a white horse riding next to her, probably going to the same place.
We got to the park, and as I walked in, I could see the mist curling out in front of me, and the wisps of my breath mingling into it. I've never felt as disconnected from everything I knew as I did then. The thought of my life made me nauseous. But everything else around me was so perfect and irrevocably beautiful. It was like being stuck between the abyss and freedom, except that there's a big, cracked glass wall between you and every fucking thing that you want.
I walked and walked and walked, and with every step I took, I thought about everything that my life has been for the last three years, every lie I told the world but tortured myself with secretly, every time I cried and cried and cried and thought that I wouldn't stop, every time I felt like I had been hit in the stomach with a pole.
Why does life get so messy? Why do people willfully make themselves sad?
We stopped by the lake, and sat down on the edge of it, staring at the reflection of the trees, I wonder what it'd be like to fall into a lake and discover another world. Last night it really looked possible. I'm sure someone somewhere has written a book about it. I told my most convincing ghost stories, feeling pleased with myself, and pretending that my spine wasn't secretly tingling with nervousness.
Every time I think about what happened, I think that it was a form of punishment that I must have deserved for something horrible I did in a previous life. I think the higher powers looked down on me and said, So you think you're a good person now? Its not so easy. We're going to make you hurt and only then will you learn.
I feel like I've been chased by a tidal wave for the last 7 years of my life, just with different players. I feel like I ran until I had nothing left, like I was a sand person, and each time the water came close, it washed a little more of me away.
We rounded a corner, I saw a lamp that was dying out, and I was trying discreetly to pretend that I didn't notice couples kissing all around me. Stupid intruder, I was, I felt like I should go to all of them and say sorry. Heh heh. We stopped to inspect all the really old buildings, of course I was too chicken to go inside, what if something wicked was lurking quietly in the shadows. My life may seem like a train wreck, but I'd still like the chance to fix it. I don't want to be tomorrow's headline. We decided to ditch the roads and walk on the grass.
So what's happening with me now? Am I Ok? To be honest, its too late in the evening to know for sure. I wanted to scream and cry and run away from everything and start my life all over again. I felt real rage. I can't do this. There isn't going to be anything left of me in the end. Nothing can be worth that much. Except that one real shot at eternity. And that's what I have. So I am on a course that is going to head me straight into the heart of the sun, and potentially I will die before I get there.
I really don't know what else to do.
We walked out of the park, random snatches of conversation popped into my head, as we sat in the car, I looked out again, and saw the wedding party. The horse had discharged it's groom bearing duty, and was pacing nervously in the corner wondering when it'd have to make the no doubt terrifying journey back into rush hour traffic. The married couple were being surrounded by a crowd of adoring relatives, and even though I tried I couldn't catch a glimpse of the bride's face. Maybe she's feeling cheerful now, maybe her husband is outrageously good looking, and maybe they're going to be very happy, have two children, live in a nice house and worry vaguely about global warming.
Am I actually going to get rid of this feeling? Is it actually dissipating? Is this the final catharsis?It's a black nighttime world with lonely people living lonely lives, not realising that the people that are standing right next to them on the road are dealing with the exact same things that they are. Everyone is lonely together I guess. So, have I gotten it all out of my system? It feels so strange, I've grown with this feeling, it's coloured every aspect of who I am. After all these years of sordid friendship, it wouldn't leave me in the lurch now would it?
We got into the house. I smoked a cigar for the very first time in my life. A complete and total let down it was, totally not worth a second try. And I sat there with three of my favourite people, and suddenly it all got better. I laughed and ate and made small pointless conversation and felt quite pleased with myself, for the second time in the evening. I think I spend most of my time feeling either completely disgusted with myself or completely satisfied with my behaviour. There doesn't seem to be a middle path for me.
I am saying goodbye to an old friend, I am telling him to go away and not come back for a while. I am saying, I love you, but get lost, I am saying, you were great in every possible way, but fuck off.
I drove in a big circle today, I saw the beginning and end of a wedding, walked all the way around a park, started at the very first day of the most painful years of my life and walked through them all till the present, where I really feel that a circumference is closing in, and I'm stepping out of it. Into another one, no doubt, but lets see where this one goes.
Last night I saw the saddest face I had ever seen, I looked it in it's fungus eye and told it to take a deep breath and stop crying.
I found myself staring at the saddest face I had seen in a long time. I looked out the window of the car and saw a bride with her eyes downcast and sorrowful being driven to her wedding, there was a man on a white horse riding next to her, probably going to the same place.
We got to the park, and as I walked in, I could see the mist curling out in front of me, and the wisps of my breath mingling into it. I've never felt as disconnected from everything I knew as I did then. The thought of my life made me nauseous. But everything else around me was so perfect and irrevocably beautiful. It was like being stuck between the abyss and freedom, except that there's a big, cracked glass wall between you and every fucking thing that you want.
I walked and walked and walked, and with every step I took, I thought about everything that my life has been for the last three years, every lie I told the world but tortured myself with secretly, every time I cried and cried and cried and thought that I wouldn't stop, every time I felt like I had been hit in the stomach with a pole.
Why does life get so messy? Why do people willfully make themselves sad?
We stopped by the lake, and sat down on the edge of it, staring at the reflection of the trees, I wonder what it'd be like to fall into a lake and discover another world. Last night it really looked possible. I'm sure someone somewhere has written a book about it. I told my most convincing ghost stories, feeling pleased with myself, and pretending that my spine wasn't secretly tingling with nervousness.
Every time I think about what happened, I think that it was a form of punishment that I must have deserved for something horrible I did in a previous life. I think the higher powers looked down on me and said, So you think you're a good person now? Its not so easy. We're going to make you hurt and only then will you learn.
I feel like I've been chased by a tidal wave for the last 7 years of my life, just with different players. I feel like I ran until I had nothing left, like I was a sand person, and each time the water came close, it washed a little more of me away.
We rounded a corner, I saw a lamp that was dying out, and I was trying discreetly to pretend that I didn't notice couples kissing all around me. Stupid intruder, I was, I felt like I should go to all of them and say sorry. Heh heh. We stopped to inspect all the really old buildings, of course I was too chicken to go inside, what if something wicked was lurking quietly in the shadows. My life may seem like a train wreck, but I'd still like the chance to fix it. I don't want to be tomorrow's headline. We decided to ditch the roads and walk on the grass.
So what's happening with me now? Am I Ok? To be honest, its too late in the evening to know for sure. I wanted to scream and cry and run away from everything and start my life all over again. I felt real rage. I can't do this. There isn't going to be anything left of me in the end. Nothing can be worth that much. Except that one real shot at eternity. And that's what I have. So I am on a course that is going to head me straight into the heart of the sun, and potentially I will die before I get there.
I really don't know what else to do.
We walked out of the park, random snatches of conversation popped into my head, as we sat in the car, I looked out again, and saw the wedding party. The horse had discharged it's groom bearing duty, and was pacing nervously in the corner wondering when it'd have to make the no doubt terrifying journey back into rush hour traffic. The married couple were being surrounded by a crowd of adoring relatives, and even though I tried I couldn't catch a glimpse of the bride's face. Maybe she's feeling cheerful now, maybe her husband is outrageously good looking, and maybe they're going to be very happy, have two children, live in a nice house and worry vaguely about global warming.
Am I actually going to get rid of this feeling? Is it actually dissipating? Is this the final catharsis?It's a black nighttime world with lonely people living lonely lives, not realising that the people that are standing right next to them on the road are dealing with the exact same things that they are. Everyone is lonely together I guess. So, have I gotten it all out of my system? It feels so strange, I've grown with this feeling, it's coloured every aspect of who I am. After all these years of sordid friendship, it wouldn't leave me in the lurch now would it?
We got into the house. I smoked a cigar for the very first time in my life. A complete and total let down it was, totally not worth a second try. And I sat there with three of my favourite people, and suddenly it all got better. I laughed and ate and made small pointless conversation and felt quite pleased with myself, for the second time in the evening. I think I spend most of my time feeling either completely disgusted with myself or completely satisfied with my behaviour. There doesn't seem to be a middle path for me.
I am saying goodbye to an old friend, I am telling him to go away and not come back for a while. I am saying, I love you, but get lost, I am saying, you were great in every possible way, but fuck off.
I drove in a big circle today, I saw the beginning and end of a wedding, walked all the way around a park, started at the very first day of the most painful years of my life and walked through them all till the present, where I really feel that a circumference is closing in, and I'm stepping out of it. Into another one, no doubt, but lets see where this one goes.
Last night I saw the saddest face I had ever seen, I looked it in it's fungus eye and told it to take a deep breath and stop crying.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)