Reaching milestones in your life, really makes you think about where you are, what you're doing, how you got there, and stuff. It's a nice, pleasant feeling when you can look at it all go, 'Hey I turned out OK'.
It also makes you realise HOW MUCH time has actually gone by. I mean when you're young, life just sort of stretches before you like one big, unending expanse, thats never supposed to end. You feel like you'll be young forever, and that time will just pass you by.
When I was in junior school, it felt like school life would just stretch on endlessly, and that I would NEVER grow up.Then when I got to high school, it began to occur to me, that maybe just maybe, I'd be done with it all, and actually move on to college. High school was a time of constant change for me, each of those four years taught me something else, and I seriously truly began to become me. By 12th grade, I was all set to move on, I mean I could almost taste the freedom and the happiness( yes I hated my school, not my friends, just my school), but even then I just assumed that the school part of my life would go fast,a nd then once I got into college , things would just sssssllllloooooowwwww down, and I'd be in college for ages. I'd never actually move past it, I'd never actually get a job. Still seems ridiculous to me.
But now I'm in, and I know it hasnt been long, but it feels like its going super fast.I can already see the end of the semester.God. Its scary.
To think that your whole life is just gonna move by this fast. I feel like before I know it, I'll be getting old and looking back instead of looking forward, and then I'll see all the time I had, and how I let it just slip through my fingers without doing half the things I wanted to do, or seeing half the things I was supposed to see. AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!
Ok, breathe, breathe, exhale.
Heh heh.
I'm calm now. But seriously, it really really makes you think.
I hope I know what I'm doing, and I hope that I'm making the best out of my circumstances.
Suddenly I'm filled withy the urge to go to the library and read twenty pages of Jurisprudence. How long will the feeling last, I wonder........
Tuesday, August 31, 2004
Friday, August 13, 2004
EVEN THE AIR ITCHES
Man, there are just those times when you get sick to death of where you're at, when everything about a place can just get to you and suffocate you and make you want to just scream and run like hell to the airport , and heave butt to New York, sigh then just live it up, enjoy the weather, go to the Met, go shopping, go to Barnes & Noble and just browse the day away. Ah.....what I wouldn't give.
I need to have my ideal day.So what is my ideal day? Rainy , stormy morning, waking up in one of those funky beds from iKea, in nice, clean, pure white sheets, looking out of the window, watching the rain streaming down the window pane, my apartment kinda messy, with papers and books lying around, lots of those vases with those HUGE white flowers ( like they have in Will & Grace), the smell of bacon, and waffles and maple syrup and coffee wafting in from the kitchen, all in my little apartment in New York City. Oh and with Sunday Morning by Maroon 5 playing softly somewhere in the background.
Just thinking about it makes me feel better already. Then I'd probably get up, shower and take a walk around , go buy a skirt, a CD or two, park my ass in the bookstore for a couple of hours then read in the park for a while or if its raining, a coffee house overlooking the park somewhere, then hunt down a couple of my friends , make myself pretty and go out to some nice little restauruant that plays Jazz and serves Italian food.We'd talk about the latest movies , celebrities, clothes music, about college, about our work, we'd laugh at everything, and I wouldn't even be able to believe how happy I felt, and for once, I wouldn't look over my shoulder, I wouldn't wonder what anyone one was thinking anymore, and I wouldn't have to care, and I'd be happy.
I swear to God, I'll never stop thanking my lucky stars that I got into law school, it's possibly one of the best things thats ever happened to me, but in some ways its also been one of the hardest adjustments I've had to make, and I LOVE this place, I love practically everything about it, but sometimes its just too small a world for me, and there's just too much pressure and too little anonymity, and I'm tired, and fed up, so fed up that even the air itches me .
It feels like I've forgotten who I am sometimes, like I came as someone, and now I don't know where she went. Lots more to say but this place is crowding up too fast. Will be back later.
I need to have my ideal day.So what is my ideal day? Rainy , stormy morning, waking up in one of those funky beds from iKea, in nice, clean, pure white sheets, looking out of the window, watching the rain streaming down the window pane, my apartment kinda messy, with papers and books lying around, lots of those vases with those HUGE white flowers ( like they have in Will & Grace), the smell of bacon, and waffles and maple syrup and coffee wafting in from the kitchen, all in my little apartment in New York City. Oh and with Sunday Morning by Maroon 5 playing softly somewhere in the background.
Just thinking about it makes me feel better already. Then I'd probably get up, shower and take a walk around , go buy a skirt, a CD or two, park my ass in the bookstore for a couple of hours then read in the park for a while or if its raining, a coffee house overlooking the park somewhere, then hunt down a couple of my friends , make myself pretty and go out to some nice little restauruant that plays Jazz and serves Italian food.We'd talk about the latest movies , celebrities, clothes music, about college, about our work, we'd laugh at everything, and I wouldn't even be able to believe how happy I felt, and for once, I wouldn't look over my shoulder, I wouldn't wonder what anyone one was thinking anymore, and I wouldn't have to care, and I'd be happy.
I swear to God, I'll never stop thanking my lucky stars that I got into law school, it's possibly one of the best things thats ever happened to me, but in some ways its also been one of the hardest adjustments I've had to make, and I LOVE this place, I love practically everything about it, but sometimes its just too small a world for me, and there's just too much pressure and too little anonymity, and I'm tired, and fed up, so fed up that even the air itches me .
It feels like I've forgotten who I am sometimes, like I came as someone, and now I don't know where she went. Lots more to say but this place is crowding up too fast. Will be back later.
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